How Not to Apologize

In the leadership module that I teach at university, we place much emphasis on the ability to apologize, because people simply don't trust leaders who can't apologize. Also, they need to apologize correctly. That implies that there's a right and a wrong way to apologize.

And in private practice, when working with couples, I've often heard one of the gripes being the way the other person apologizes. The almost standard tagline is: "If she/he says it like this, they don't mean it." (The language is usually slightly more colorful.) Or, "If they say it like that, it's not an apology."

At work, and in our personal relationships, apologies can go wrong because our tone of voice or body language conveys reluctance to apologize. Not to even mention how wrong it can go in an email! The problem with the latter is that you can't see the person or hear them – all you can go by is the words and the tone of the email. (Yes, emails do have a tone of voice.)

Apology No-Nos and Do-Overs

While a sincere apology can repair damage to your relationships and reputation, a bad or false apology can fan the flames and do even more harm than the very thing you're apologizing for! So, here are some common apology mistakes, and how to avoid them:

Mistake 1: An apology with a "but" is not an apology – it's a justification or an explanation, and you're not likely to learn from the experience. "I'm sorry, but I was in a bad space," might sound like an apology, but it's a justification.

Instead, say, "I'm sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that didn’t make it OK for me to put you on the receiving end. How can I make it up to you?"

Mistake 2: An apology that begins well but ends poorly is not an apology – it's often argumentative. "I'm sorry I did it. It happened because of how you spoke to me…" Can you hear the toxic cycle of a new argument being born here? I certainly can!

Instead, try: "I'm sorry I said that. Even though I didn't like your tone of voice, it wasn't necessary for me to react to it. How can we do it differently in future?" (We need to understand that it is a two-way street at times, without apportioning blame.)

Mistake 3: Then there's the old intent issue… "I'm sorry, it was never my intent to hurt you." I'm not sure what you're apologizing for if you say this. It wasn't your intent that hurt me – it was your action, and that's what you should be apologizing for. No one argued your intent.

It's more effective to say, "I'm sorry for what I did and that I caused you hurt. What can I do to make it better?"

Mistake 4: The passive–aggressive apology is particularly cruel. It may sound like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Here's the problem: you can't be sorry for how another person feels – it's a way of using the words "I'm sorry," but without any investment in the apology.

If you're truly sorry, say, "I'm sorry my words/actions had such an effect on you. I will be more aware of what I say and how I say it in future."

An apology needs to be sincere. It needs to show that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for what they did or said, showing remorse, and sharing how they intend to make amends going forward.

After the Apology

This might shock you: an apology is not enough. An apology is but the first step. After the apology, it's necessary to show, by how you speak and behave, that you're putting in the work to change.

An apology without change is lip service. I call it window-dressing. You want to make it look right without actually fixing it – that's a time-consuming and pointless exercise.

Being able to apologize sincerely, without getting defensive or huffy, is a sign of maturity and strength. It shows that you're not too big or important to be vulnerable, too.

So, just apologize – it'll take the sting out of it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Let's Continue the Conversation!

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk Twitter chat on Wednesday, June 19 @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function, and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses. 

On Thursday, June 20 at 11 a.m. ET, members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook live conversation and question session. 

Then on Friday, June 21, we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn which is exclusive to Mind Tools members.  

We'd love to hear from you in any of these channels. Please share your thoughts, anecdotes and ideas with us on the topic of apologies.

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How to Apologize
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
Keeping Your Word at Work
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness
Authenticity

About the Author:

Yolandé has been part of the Mind Tools team since 2008 and she uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques. You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Early morning runs with her rottweiler and reading (a lot) are her favorite activities. And, her neighbors will tell you that she loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post The Anatomy of Apologies appeared first on Mind Tools.

An apology can be a wonderful thing, so long as it is infrequent and from the heart.

Gary Hopkins. U.S. author

A few years back, I was a guest speaker at an event for professional trainers and facilitators. The audience was predominantly male. I was well prepared, knowledgeable about the topic, and I felt confident as I delivered my speech.

But afterward, a very experienced female delegate greeted me, offered a few pleasantries, then dropped a bombshell on me.

She said, "Do you know how many times you apologized, from the moment you stepped up to the microphone until the moment you left the stage?"

"None?" I replied.

"Nine. Nine times," she said. "And all of them were unnecessary. You even said sorry when the sound wasn't clear, and that wasn't your fault at all."

Why Do We Keep Apologizing?

I was speechless. It was the first time anyone had ever made me aware of my "sorry habit." So what was the first word out of my mouth in reply? "Sorry!" We both burst out laughing.

Now that I was aware of this habit, I realized how often I apologized. It felt to me as if I started every other sentence with "sorry," for no good reason. I didn't see myself as someone with a meek, apologetic type of personality, so why was I doing it?

I realized that there was an element of it that was socialized into me. In our culture, children had to be seen and not heard. While it didn't stay that way for boys, it did for girls. As a woman, I felt that I had to apologize for having strong opinions, and for not following societal norms and expectations, such as deciding not to have children.

There was a second element to it: guilt. I felt guilty for being more successful than many of my peers. I didn't apologize for it explicitly, but I conveyed it through my attitude, and by saying sorry for lots of other things.

I concluded that I used unnecessary apologies as a type of cultural symbol, signalling two things: that I didn't think too much of myself, and that I recognized the superiority of men.

When Apologizing Is Worthless

Of course, apologies shouldn't be used that way. However, this incident raised my awareness of how we routinely use apologies, or apology words such as "sorry."

First and foremost, there are real apologies. Wholeheartedly saying that you're sorry when you've made a mistake or wronged another person is important. It's a deposit into a relationship account, and there's no substitute for an apology.

Depending on the situation, an apology on its own isn't always enough. If your offending behavior doesn't change, your apology is worthless.

People often use "exemption" apologies when their habitual lack of self-management leads to behavior such as lateness and missed deadlines.

They use sorry as a "get out of jail" card when they're in the wrong. They'll start a conversation with an apology in an attempt to exempt themselves from negative consequences. It's also a way of trying to prevent another person (usually an authority figure) from being angry with them.

Sorry as a Tool of Manipulation

False apologies are tools of manipulation. An example of this is when a seemingly contrite person says they're sorry for being unfaithful to their partner. Their concern isn't for the relationship. It's about how a possible breakup will impact them financially.

Another type of false apology is when the apologist is sarcastic or shifts the blame. "I'm so sorry I raised my voice, but your behavior made me angry," is a typical example.

False apologies can also be a dramatic attempt to make things seem different from what they really are.

Habitual apologies are the ones you make when you didn't do anything wrong. You're saying sorry because you don't want to anger someone else, you're not used to asserting your boundaries, or you're not sure how the other person will receive your position/opinion. The word sorry is then used as a soft entry.

How to Stop Apologizing

I'm sorry that it took me so long to explain my opinion about apologies, but… No! Truth be told, I'm not sorry at all.

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat, we talked about how to stop apologizing for the wrong reasons. Here are the questions we asked, and a selection of your excellent responses:

Q1. Failing to apologize is a big mistake, but so is over apologizing. How can you tell when or when not to apologize?

@SustainedLeader When your "I'm sorry" becomes a perfunctory automatic response, without any real thought or sincere feeling behind it, you need to stop diminishing the importance and impact of a genuine apology.

@ColfaxInsurance I have a pretty hard time distinguishing the difference here, but I've started asking myself, "Did I actually do anything wrong?" when I get the urge to apologize. It's helping, but I'm not over the habit of over-apologizing yet.

Q2. In which situations do you tend to apologize unnecessarily?

@TwinkleEduCons When we fear the other person’s reaction or don't feel confident in ourselves or the situation.

@Midgie_MT I used to apologize unnecessarily when I felt like I wasn't good enough or that I had not done enough, or when I made a small mistake.

Q3. Why do we over-apologize?

@TheToniaKallon Over-apologizing tends to happen when there's a lack of confidence in your position. By that, I mean there's an appropriate apology response based on a situation, but going overboard signals something deeper.

@_DerekWrites I just feel it's safe to assume that part of any problem was likely my fault, so I should just get ahead of it with an apology upfront.

Q4. Culture and gender influence how much people apologize. True or False?

@J_Stephens_CPA It seems to me that men are given more leeway, while women are expected to apologize more.

@lg217 I agree with that statement. I feel that the culture we were bought up in, as well as our gender, play key roles in how we apologize.

Q5. When shouldn't a manager apologize, and why?

@Yolande_MT A manager shouldn't apologise for being truthful. They should take care to deliver the truth in a kind manner, though.

@emapirciu A manager shouldn't apologize for his [sic] decisions. Sometimes things must be done. Apologizing would make the decision look like a personal choice instead of a necessary strategic move.

Q6. Whatever your role, how can you stop apologizing unnecessarily?

@MicheleDD_MT Increase your self-awareness. Find out what is causing you to over-apologize. Change your language and replace the "sorry."

@SanabriaJav Know what you want to say from the start. If it's a difficult conversation to have, start with something positive before you get into the critique. Have conviction.

Q7. When is an apology simply not enough?

@SizweMoyo When the apology does not address the issues at hand, but instead dismisses them, then an apology isn't enough.

@MarkC_Avgi There are those who live by the mantra, "It's better to ask for forgiveness (with an apology) than to ask for permission." People who live by that mantra, constantly doing things that hurt others and then always apologizing... their apologies are simply not enough.

Q8. What impact does it have on you if a person expects an apology to be the end of the matter?

@NgukaOduor It usually makes me cut ties or quit the relationship. That means trust is broken. More action or a change of behavior creates more impact than just an apology.

@TwinkleEduCons My immediate impression of them is that they do not believe that I matter, and that they are all important. A glib "sorry" then moving swiftly on shows a lack of care or genuine accountability. Someone whose ego is overinflated.

Q9. When does apologizing become manipulative or dishonest?

@JKatzaman Apologies are manipulative when you say you're sorry in advance, sort of a sale of indulgences.

@Yolande_MT It's manipulative and dishonest to use an apology to smooth things over so the other person can "let it go," especially if you don't have any intent to really work on the issue.

Q10. From now on, how will you help others who apologize unnecessarily, too easily, or dishonestly?

@ColfaxInsurance Ask them what the next step is. What's their plan to change a behavior? How are they going to practice mindfulness? What is their intention with the apology? What are they actually apologizing for?

@MicheleDD_MT Unnecessarily? Call it out. "Do you realize that you… ?" Dishonestly? "That doesn't feel like an apology to me. When you said … it felt like you were putting the blame on… "

To read all the tweets, see the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Coming Up

A lack of assertiveness may manifest as over-apologizing. However, protecting your boundaries is actually the one thing you never have to apologize for. In our next #MTtalk chat, we're going to talk about boundaries and how well they serve you. In our poll this week, we'd like to know which of your boundaries you find most difficult to maintain. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Useful Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources to help you to understand assertiveness and setting boundaries. Some of them may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

Building Self-Confidence

Recovering Your Reputation

How to Be Assertive

Delegation

Managing Your Boundaries

Level 5 Leadership

The post How to Stop Apologizing -- #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Right, yes, sorry Aaron. Go ahead."

"Sorry, I just thought we were working towards a March completion on this project? Sorry if I've got that wrong."

Sound familiar? Saying "sorry" when we don't really need to can be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps you don't even notice yourself doing it. But over-using the word "sorry" can make your sincere apologies less meaningful and may even lose you your co-workers' respect.

So, why do we do it?

Apologizing is a common trait among "people pleasers" and those of us who avoid confrontation at all costs. We apologize because we assume that we are the one's in the wrong, because we want to diffuse tension, or to fill an awkward silence. Over-apologizing can also reveal a lack of self-worth or self-confidence.

Does Gender Cause "Sorry-itis"?

In many cultures, it is thought that women tend to apologize more often than men. Is this because men have a higher threshold for what they consider offensive behavior? Pantene's recent advertising campaign, "Sorry Not Sorry" suggests so. But a recent Washington Post blog argues that women wrap up their requests and opinions in apologies to avoid being judged too direct.  However, research shows that women don't apologize more. Rather, men have a tendency to dominate conversations, especially at work.

In this podcast, Professor Deborah Cameron challenges the idea that we need to be constrained by our gender: "...there is as much difference among men, or among women, as there is between the two." She also reminds us that saying sorry isn't always an act of submission, but rather a sign of consideration or compassion for another person. So, an apology might be something we could all use positively sometimes.

A Sign of Weakness?

John Wayne famously said, "never apologize... it’s a sign of weakness." And constantly apologizing can undermine your arguments and ideas, but there will undoubtedly be occasions when an apology is necessary. The trick is to recognize when you really do need to be sorry for your actions, and when you don't. So, how do we turn mindless apologies into mindful ones?

Listen to Yourself

The first stage to overcoming excessive apologizing is to recognize that you have a problem.

Listen out, and keep a record of the number of times that you apologize in a day. You may be surprised! Enlist the help of your colleagues or friends to (gently) point out your apologies. You may not notice yourself doing it, but others certainly will.

Change Your Assumptions

The next step is to change your mindset.

Unlike John Wayne, many of us assume that we are at fault without even thinking about it.

"Sorry" features heavily in my own everyday language. I even find myself saying it when I hold the door open for someone. Not because I am sorry that the other person has to cross a threshold, but because it has become a bad habit.

So, when you do start recording your apologies, be sure to also note whether they were really needed. Chances are that the unnecessary apologies will significantly outweigh the fair ones.

Think Before You Speak

Now that you’ve identified the problem, you can start to take active steps towards fixing it.

The solution is really quite simple: think before you speak. Before you apologize for helping yourself to the last of the coffee, or for disagreeing with one of your colleagues, ask yourself, "what am I sorry for?" The brief moment it takes you to consider your choice of words could dramatically alter your peers' perception of you.

So, instead of saying sorry, simply explain yourself. Set out your case confidently and professionally.

But, be careful not to over-compensate. You don't want to become that person that never says sorry. If this happens, you risk coming across as rude or aggressive instead of assertive.

Lend a Helping Hand

Once you've become the boss of your own apologies, why not help your fellow team members to do the same?

You might have a co-worker who struggles to get his or her voice heard, or who is sabotaging his hard work by constantly apologizing. If this is the case, remind him that he doesn't need to apologize for what he believes is right. Help him to become more mindful of his apologies, and be an advocate for his good ideas. You'll boost his confidence and help him to reach his full potential.

And Finally...

Having the humility and compassion to apologize is an invaluable trait. But, saying sorry too much can have a significant impact on how you value yourself and the work you do. By reserving your apologies only for when they are really justified, you'll likely be more assertive and feel confident in your ability.

You never know, cutting down on saying sorry could help you to speak up more in meetings, or to ask for that promotion you've had your eye on. So, the next time you go to say the S-word, stop yourself and ask, "am I really sorry?"

Do you find yourself saying "sorry" all of the time? Or, do you never say it? What tips do you have for people who over-apologize? Share your thoughts and tips in the Comments section below...

The post How Can I Stop Saying Sorry All the Time? appeared first on Mind Tools.