How Not to Apologize

In the leadership module that I teach at university, we place much emphasis on the ability to apologize, because people simply don't trust leaders who can't apologize. Also, they need to apologize correctly. That implies that there's a right and a wrong way to apologize.

And in private practice, when working with couples, I've often heard one of the gripes being the way the other person apologizes. The almost standard tagline is: "If she/he says it like this, they don't mean it." (The language is usually slightly more colorful.) Or, "If they say it like that, it's not an apology."

At work, and in our personal relationships, apologies can go wrong because our tone of voice or body language conveys reluctance to apologize. Not to even mention how wrong it can go in an email! The problem with the latter is that you can't see the person or hear them – all you can go by is the words and the tone of the email. (Yes, emails do have a tone of voice.)

Apology No-Nos and Do-Overs

While a sincere apology can repair damage to your relationships and reputation, a bad or false apology can fan the flames and do even more harm than the very thing you're apologizing for! So, here are some common apology mistakes, and how to avoid them:

Mistake 1: An apology with a "but" is not an apology – it's a justification or an explanation, and you're not likely to learn from the experience. "I'm sorry, but I was in a bad space," might sound like an apology, but it's a justification.

Instead, say, "I'm sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that didn’t make it OK for me to put you on the receiving end. How can I make it up to you?"

Mistake 2: An apology that begins well but ends poorly is not an apology – it's often argumentative. "I'm sorry I did it. It happened because of how you spoke to me…" Can you hear the toxic cycle of a new argument being born here? I certainly can!

Instead, try: "I'm sorry I said that. Even though I didn't like your tone of voice, it wasn't necessary for me to react to it. How can we do it differently in future?" (We need to understand that it is a two-way street at times, without apportioning blame.)

Mistake 3: Then there's the old intent issue… "I'm sorry, it was never my intent to hurt you." I'm not sure what you're apologizing for if you say this. It wasn't your intent that hurt me – it was your action, and that's what you should be apologizing for. No one argued your intent.

It's more effective to say, "I'm sorry for what I did and that I caused you hurt. What can I do to make it better?"

Mistake 4: The passive–aggressive apology is particularly cruel. It may sound like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Here's the problem: you can't be sorry for how another person feels – it's a way of using the words "I'm sorry," but without any investment in the apology.

If you're truly sorry, say, "I'm sorry my words/actions had such an effect on you. I will be more aware of what I say and how I say it in future."

An apology needs to be sincere. It needs to show that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for what they did or said, showing remorse, and sharing how they intend to make amends going forward.

After the Apology

This might shock you: an apology is not enough. An apology is but the first step. After the apology, it's necessary to show, by how you speak and behave, that you're putting in the work to change.

An apology without change is lip service. I call it window-dressing. You want to make it look right without actually fixing it – that's a time-consuming and pointless exercise.

Being able to apologize sincerely, without getting defensive or huffy, is a sign of maturity and strength. It shows that you're not too big or important to be vulnerable, too.

So, just apologize – it'll take the sting out of it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Let's Continue the Conversation!

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk Twitter chat on Wednesday, June 19 @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function, and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses. 

On Thursday, June 20 at 11 a.m. ET, members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook live conversation and question session. 

Then on Friday, June 21, we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn which is exclusive to Mind Tools members.  

We'd love to hear from you in any of these channels. Please share your thoughts, anecdotes and ideas with us on the topic of apologies.

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How to Apologize
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
Keeping Your Word at Work
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness
Authenticity

About the Author:

Yolandé has been part of the Mind Tools team since 2008 and she uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques. You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Early morning runs with her rottweiler and reading (a lot) are her favorite activities. And, her neighbors will tell you that she loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post The Anatomy of Apologies appeared first on Mind Tools.

When I made that decision, the universe probably smiled, nodded, and said, "We'll see." Many years later I met and married my second husband – who had two teenage children. Although they never lived with us full-time, they did occasionally come on vacation with us or spend time with us when we visited their hometown.

Anybody who steps into a parenting role feels somewhat uncertain; stepping into the role of a stepmom was one of the scariest things I've ever done. I had no experience as a biological parent, and the only experience I could draw on was being a dog mom!

Fortunately, we've never had an argument or a tense atmosphere because they're perfect children and we're perfect parents. So, that's all for today, folks! Nothing interesting to see here. We all lived happily ever after... I wish.

To be honest, we've had some stormy times when we all have had to navigate rough waters.

I knew from my line of work that if we didn't have guiding principles, it would put a lot of strain on our marriage. Early on, we decided that we would present a united front when we needed to deal with potentially difficult issues with the children.

Parenting: Work Experience Works

From day one, we expected the children to have good manners in our house, and I've never tolerated them being disrespectful to their father in front of me. I also undertook to be my husband's "voice of reason" when emotions ran high for him.

They're adults now, so how we interact with them has changed, but we still stick to our guiding principles.

I also draw on my work experience to help me be the best "gift mom" I can be, and the following strategies have been immensely helpful.

My Parenting Top Tips

Always have open and honest, yet respectful, conversations. It's in those conversations that we develop an understanding of one another's hurts, expectations, boundaries, and vulnerabilities.

Don't let an issue fester. If something bothers you, speak up immediately if the place and time are right, otherwise as soon as the time is right. Things don't just disappear on their own if you pretend they didn't happen. Quite the opposite.

Be accountable for what you did/didn't do. Blame-shifting, justification and denial won't fix the problem. Take accountability for what you did and do better next time. It has a higher success rate.

"Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong."

Brené Brown, American professor, lecturer and author

Understand how trust works. Deposit as much as you can into the trust account by doing things like apologizing when you're wrong, keeping your word, not being two-faced, and being transparent.

Listen to one another with your heart, your mind and your ears. If people feel unheard, they feel disrespected.

Be considerate and respectful. Good manners will never get you into trouble!

And even though they're my gift children and they're adults, one of the hardest things to do is to step back, let go, and let them live their lives the way they choose to.

Getting Close by Letting Go

My fellow Mind Tools coach Mike Barzacchini shares that sentiment, and he calls it "Lessons in Letting Go." He says, "As a parent, I tried to hold on, but I learned that parenting is often about learning to let go.

"Sure, when our son was a baby, we held on tight, keeping him close in our hug. As he started to crawl, then walk, I received my first lesson in letting him go within the safe boundaries of our home, our yard, the playground, and eventually school.

"As my son became a teen and a young adult, we negotiated wider boundaries. I needed to grow my trust in myself and in him.

"Letting go built closer bonds and a stronger relationship between my son and me. Were there missteps, mistakes, and sometimes hard lessons? Of course. But each came with the opportunity to grow.

Trusting Your Team

"Letting go is active. It's not ignoring or walking away. It involves listening, learning, being present, and being available. It's communicating that I support your efforts. I'm here when you need me. Which means I will help, not hinder.

"I reflect on these same lessons as a manager. So I resist the urge to hold on to control, to my idea, to directing the project with a tight hand. Instead, I let go. I trust the talent and judgment of my team members. And by letting go, we build a stronger team and produce better work.

"Maybe the bigger lesson is this: the more we trust ourselves, the more we are able to trust and support others, as parent, partner, co-worker, and manager. And the more we come to see the active process of letting go as a strength that can benefit any relationship."

Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives

During our recent #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed different perspectives and attitudes when applying parenting skills in the workplace. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. Can you build a career and a family at the same time?

@Midgie_MT Definitely yes you can build both at the same time. I believe it helps to have a good support system in place, both at home and in the workplace, to help with managing things.

@J_Stephens_CPA Absolutely yes! It's easier when your company supports you. And it's great to see more companies supporting women in their roles of career and family now, too (but still more work to be done there).

Q2. How does becoming a parent change the way you approach your work and career?

@ColfaxInsurance My husband and I have been seriously discussing having children and these are the big questions we've had: how will this affect our careers? What do we need to do to accommodate kids? What is our work willing to do to accommodate us?

@ZalaB_MT I think it depends on many levels – from the type of work you do, your schedule and your attitude towards work. As a parent, I'm rethinking my work-life balance daily. I know my priorities at work, but I need to align them with my parenting "duties" and care.

Since becoming a parent my boundaries are a lot more solid when it comes to working commitments. I am more adamant about saying no [to] things I can't fit into my schedule. I'm also more "let's get to the point" because I'm much more cautious with time.

And since becoming a (working) mum I've given myself some slack. I limit the number of things to put on my to-do list and will not allow my work time to eat into my private life so much anymore. Afternoons are allowed for "us time with my daughter," and work can wait.

Q3. What negative feelings do you experience as a working parent?

@MikeB_MT I'm not sure if "negative" is the correct feeling. But there's always a friction to do "more and better" both at work and home. The truth is we're human with limited energies and resources. That's why it's important to seek balance.

@SoniaH_MT I'd imagine the negative feelings working parents experience include: guilt (for not being as available as you'd like); separation anxiety (new baby leave time is too short); inadequacy (wanting to give your child more but cannot).

Q4. What's the best thing about being a working parent?

@Yolande_MT If I had to speculate, it's probably the feeling of accomplishment that you're taking good care of the children you brought into the world (or adopted) by providing a secure environment. Maybe it's that you get to go home to a little person that thinks the world of you? (That's before the teenager emerges who thinks you're the most embarrassing person on earth… LOL)

@MikeB_MT I try to bring experiences from both sides of my life into the other. It's wonderful to celebrate the parents and families of my co-workers. When I started in my job, our son was four. Now he's 26 and I've seen so many of my colleagues start and grow their families.

Q5. When have work and parenting clashed for you? What did you do to cope?

@ZalaB_MT Work and parenting clash daily! You cope daily, finding solutions and getting through the hurdles and setbacks. I'm grateful to have the freelance type of work and to have great clients who understand and a supportive family – to arrange things when needed.

@SoniaH_MT The first parenting & work clashes that come to mind would be about unscheduled leave: needing to take off from work at a moment's notice for your child's school's early closing or delayed opening, or child's health or disciplinary issues.

Q6. "It takes a village to raise a child." Does that also apply in the workplace when you have a new employee?

@SarahH_MT I love that comparison. We should absolutely recognize it takes the "workplace village" to ensure new staff are properly settled in. Too often it's left to HR or the line manager but everyone should make sure new staff are nurtured and feel loved.

@ColfaxInsurance Oh definitely! Introducing a new member to the team and its atmosphere, settling them into their particular role, training, and helping them find their rhythm in the group is an all-hands-on-deck situation.

Q7. What does it mean to "parent" a team member? When should you do it – and when shouldn't you?

@Midgie_MT Sometimes we can all have child-like behaviors so having a firm "adult" approach to the situation sometimes is needed. Yet, it is not a manager's responsibility to "parent" their employees.

@ColfaxInsurance "Parenting" a team member is to take on a mentoring sort of role. If they're struggling and you have the ability to help, by all means, offer your expertise. If they don't want it though, back off. I can also see this becoming an issue with the "parented" team member becoming complacent/co-dependent/lazy because the "parenting" member does everything for them.

Q8. What parenting strategies/skills that you use for your children also work for your team?

@Dwyka_Consult It's learning to balance push and pull, holding on and letting go, being there without smothering, showing care without being patronizing or overbearing.

@J_Stephens_CPA Encouraging them when things don't go right the first time. Accepting when they "fail" at something new. We don't expect the kids to be perfect, we shouldn't expect it of anyone (including ourselves says the "recovering" perfectionist).

Q9. What have you learned about parenting that's made you a better co-worker, and what have you learned working with others that's made you a better parent?

@Midgie_MT Although not a parent, I've certainly learned when good is good enough, when doing something to the best of my abilities is fine and to let go of perfectionism.

@Yolande_MT Parenting taught me to keep in mind that the child's experience of a situation isn't the same as mine – and it's something I should consider when interacting with them. Working with people taught me that every coin has two sides – and very often they're not "right" or "wrong," just different. Ditto the kids.

Q10. How can we best support people in parenting roles?

@SarahH_MT Shouldn't we best support people by asking them how we can best support them? We don't need to overcomplicate it, just remember that what they may need is likely to be different to what a non-parent needs. Treat people as individuals with individual lives.

@J_Stephens_CPA So much of my office came together around us when my youngest was 18 and spent that January in the hospital. Gift cards for meals, visits to see and encourage him (the hospital was around the corner from my office). Allowing me to work remote part of the day.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up on #MTtalk

Good parents demonstrate the importance of "fair play" by showing their children how to learn from their losses and celebrate their successes. Leaders model this behavior with their teams. During our next chat, we're going to talk about hilarious career moments.

In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know what the biggest benefit of humor in the workplace is.

Parenting and Work Resources

Please note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Managing Working Parents

Combining Parenthood and Work

Working Moms and Daddy Day Care – the Hidden Side of Co-Parenting

Handling Long-Term Absences in Your Team

Getting a Good Night's Sleep

Putting Your Parenting Skills to Work

Transactional Analysis

How Should Organizations Treat Working Parents?

How to Juggle Caregiving Responsibilities and Work

Can You Be a Good Leader and a Good Parent?

The post Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

You may have started a new project or exercise regimen, or you're finally trying to finish writing that book. Your accountability partner is a trusted person who provides meaningful support as you work toward those goals.

Over the course of my career, I've been a better starter than a finisher. I love the thrill of generating ideas and launching projects. As I've matured, I've come to understand and value finishing. But that doesn't mean it's any less of a challenge, especially on larger projects.

For those bigger or longer-term initiatives, I've found that often an accountability partner can help me to stay on task – and yes, even finish!

But having a partner isn't like having a genie that will grant you three accountability wishes. It takes work and responsibility for both parties.

"If you want to go fast, go alone; but if you want to go far, go together."

African proverb

Accountability You Can Count On

The best and most effective accountability partnerships I've been a part of have had these six characteristics in common:

• Clarity. Have clear objectives in mind for your project or goal. And know exactly why you're seeking someone to help hold you accountable.
• Honesty. First, be honest with yourself. Why do I want to work with an accountability partner? Then be honest with your partner. How can they best help you to achieve your goals?
• Reciprocity. Make sure that your partnership isn't just a one-way street. Even if you're the person who's being helped, find ways to say "thank you" and perhaps help your partner with a challenge or goal they may be facing.
• Consistency. Set consistent times to meet. Share expectations and topics prior to each meeting. Follow up with action steps. Who does what next?
• Closure. Even if the partnership is ongoing and long-lasting, remember to close specific chapters as progress is made and projects are completed.
• Celebration. Make a big deal about your successes, no matter how small. And remember to express gratitude to the person who's helped you stay on task.

Accountability Partners' Checklist

Asking questions is a great way to define roles and responsibilities – and to set clear expectations up front for both partners.

One accountability partner I worked with for many years would ask some version of the same questions when I'd come to him with a new project, challenge or idea:

• What's your specific goal?
• What is your plan for achieving the goal?
• How much time will it take?
• Where will you find the time?
• When do you expect to finish?
• What might get in your way?
• How will you overcome this?
• What will success look like?

By getting me to answer these questions up front, he was already starting to hold me accountable. When I've been able to return the favor, and helped colleagues to stay accountable, I've found that it's just as rewarding for me as for the person I'm trying to help.

And by helping them to stay on task, I learn along the way and shore up my own accountability behaviors.

Help Is All Around – If You Know Where to Look

As you seek an accountability partner, understand that one type of partnership may not fit every situation or goal. I have colleagues who've joined accountability communities that meet regularly to help all members focus and make progress toward their individual goals.

And recently I've co-partnered with an accountability partner. They help me and I help them.

No matter the accountability path you choose, remember the basics: work with someone you trust; set clear goals; respect the time, talents and energy your partner is sharing; show up, do the work; share results; and thank them.

About This Week's "Accountability Partner" Chat

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed what to look for in an accountability partner, and how to be a good one. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. What does the phrase "accountability partner" mean to you?

@PG_pmp "Accountability partner" – a person who one can rely on at the time when needed most.

@SoniaH_MT To me, an accountability partner means a person who: is mutually trusted, has my best interest in mind, wants me to succeed, calls me out when I deviate from my stated course, offers me help when I seem to be struggling toward that stated goal.

Q2. What difference does an accountability partner make?

@Midgie_MT They help me to "stay honest," in that I cannot use excuses when I do not do something. It helps me to maintain focus rather than get distracted or use other jobs/tasks as a reason to not take action on my priority goal.

@Yolande_MT When you want to go rogue on your plan, knowing you have to report to your accountability partner is a great psychological "tool" to keep you on track.

Q3. Shouldn't we just hold ourselves accountable?

@Tanjiskas If no one is watching it is easy to do the easy thing we are used to. Our brain finds a way to justify doing the things we are comfortable [doing] with it. Tricks us into thinking that it is safer to keep everything as it is.

@SarahH_MT Well yes in an ideal world perhaps we would all hold ourselves accountable without the need for someone else to help us. But life is not that simple and anyway, why plough on alone when an accountability partner could help us thrive? Better together, right?

Q4. When have you found it most helpful to have an accountability partner?

@DhongdeSupriya The goals I know I won't be able to sustain, like walks after work... because I know I have someone waiting for me, I am able to push myself.

@harrisonia I would have loved to have accountability partners for things outside the workplace. It would've been helpful having these partners for accountability with industry advancement/opportunities or weight loss/management.

Q5. What qualities do you look for when you select an accountability partner?

@hopegovind Honesty, transparency, accountability, openness.

@NWarind Courage first, then sincerity.

Q6. Can you hold others accountable without being accountable yourself? Explain.

@BRAVOMedia1 One can only give what they possess within themselves. So one must be accountable in order to be a supportive mentor for others.

@SoniaH_MT If you hold others accountable without being accountable yourself, this is called being a hypocrite. (Especially as a leader, how can you ask me to do what YOU won't do?)

Q7. How far can/should you go when holding someone accountable?

@Midgie_MT I believe there is a limit between encouraging them to take the actions they said they were going to do, and pushing them to do it or insisting that they stay on course. Life happens and sometimes we do need to alter course.

@MikeB_MT It may help to have ground rules up front. So here's why we've engaged in this accountability partnership. Here's how we will meet and communicate. Here's how we know we're helping each other. That may help determine if I've gone too far (or not far enough!).

Q8. What should you not do as an accountability partner? Why?

@SarahH_MT Don't take over or make it all about you or make assumptions about how easy you think it should be. Don't judge them for doing things differently to how you would do it. And don't manage them or tell them off.

@ColfaxInsurance You should never seem like you're forcing someone to do anything. Set up a schedule to check in, don't nag all the time about whatever it is you're helping them stay accountable for. They'll end up resenting you if you come across as demanding or pushy.

Q9. Imagine you're an accountability partner, and you feel you're wasting your time. What do you do?

@TheTomGReid Affirming, encouraging, educating, are never wastes of time, though it can be [a] "pearls before swine" situation. Dispense kindness whenever you can. If another's choices cause you pain, it might be time to back away.

@Dwyka_Consult Ask if they still need you. If they say they do, have a conversation about expectations

Q10. How can you coach someone to become a great accountability partner?

@HloniphileDlam7 By demonstrating accountability and giving people the opportunity to transform and unlearn negative behaviors. Guiding and coaching individuals without embarrassing them is key.

@Yolande_MT Remind them to be assertive but gentle, have empathy but not be manipulated, have mercy/grace yet be willing to motivate and stretch someone.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

While an accountability partner can play a major role in helping a person to accomplish a goal, people sometimes become defensive when they're held to account. Some people are just more defensive by nature.

In our Twitter poll this week, we want to know why you think people become defensive when you ask them a non-confrontational question. Vote here.

Accountability Partner Resources

(Note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the following resources in full.)

Developing Personal Accountability

Working With Lazy People

Managing People With Low Ambition

Blanchard's ABCD Model of Trust

Performance Agreements

Helping Your People Develop Emotional Intelligence

Holding People Accountable

Supporting Your People

Taking Responsibility in a New Leadership Role

Engaging People in Learning

The post How to Be an Accountability Partner – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Eva, who always says exactly how she feels – even to the point of using bad language to show the strength of her reactions. She talks openly about her personal life, cries in meetings, dances on tables at office parties, and is as likely to have colleagues hugging her in gratitude as shouting at her in anger. She's passionate and open about every aspect of her job.

Or Joe, who never lets his emotions loose at work, and gets everything done with the minimum of fuss. He's clear about what he will and will not do for others. He doesn't talk about his private life much, so meetings with him are focused and efficient. He doesn't like parties and usually doesn't go. But during office hours he's a calm, confident and kind member of the team.

Who's being more authentic at work?

Assessing Authenticity

I once worked at a radio station with both Eva and Joe (I've just changed their names). And at the time, I'd have said that Eva was the authentic one, honest about her experiences and emotions, and that Joe was fairly inauthentic, since he kept his "real self" hidden.

But, having listened to our latest Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast, my views have changed.

Looking back now, I think that they were both authentic in many ways.

However, both of them could also have made their authenticity work more in their favor – and in mine.

Lessons From Expert Voices

In each Mind Tools Expert Voices episode, my colleague Rachel Salaman tackles a particular workplace topic with the help of some well-qualified guests. Episode 8 explores all aspects of authenticity, including the question of how much authenticity we should aim for.

What Is Authenticity?

Several of Rachel's guests point out that authenticity will always be hard to pin down, because it's about "being yourself" – and that's different for everyone. We all have unique personalities, including how gregarious we are, how we connect with others, and how much of ourselves we're happy to share. As award-winning CEO Sabrina Horn puts it, "Authenticity is like beauty: it's in the eye of the beholder. You have to decide for yourself what your core values are and who you are and what you stand for."

So authenticity involves self-knowledge, and the strength to stay true to yourself. Harvard's Amy Edmondson tells Rachel that it also requires the right environment – somewhere to feel "psychologically safe." What we have to ask ourselves, she says, is: "Do I feel OK around here? Is this a place where I can bring myself forward?"

For us to be open, honest, and fully engaged at work, our organizations need to be authentic, too. As Professor Gareth Jones says, "You want the organization to give you the chance to show your brightness and cleverness and innovation and creativity. Allowing people to show their skill and flourish is exactly what builds a great business."

The Benefits of Being Yourself

Whatever authenticity means in practice – for people, and the places where they work – there's broad agreement that it's a good thing. "That's how we're going to get more rigorous decisions," says author Frances Frei. "That's how we're going to be able to do things faster... do things at higher quality."

According to Annie McKee, who wrote the book "How to Be Happy at Work," being authentic "... helps us withstand the pressures that are inherent in our workplaces today."

Eva and Joe were both successful people, leading high-profile projects and progressing quickly in their careers.

And I think that, in different ways, they both gained a lot from staying true to themselves.

Eva was great at expressing her feelings, and encouraged others to be open and "real." Her candor was attractive and often persuasive to clients. And while she brought plenty of fun to the table, she was also able to have tough conversations when necessary. As Amy Edmondson tells Rachel, authenticity is "... not only saying nice things. It's about being candid. And if we aren't open and willing to take interpersonal risks, our organizations will face much bigger risks."

Joe's authenticity, on the other land, let him build a different kind of trust. He stuck to his own values of clarity and consistency, which gave an organized, predictable air to office life. You could rely on him: not to make you laugh, or let you in on his world outside of work, but to do his job well – and support you to do yours. He was good at what Professor Gretchen Spreitzer calls "job crafting": forging a role that increasingly matched his personality and purpose.

Authenticity Gaps

But Joe struggled to engage with people. He may have known himself well, but he never got to know the rest of us, and we didn't feel comfortable sharing anything personal with him. OK, he didn't like parties, and he held his ground on that. But that meant we could never celebrate as a full team.

Tim Baker says that authenticity involves "... genuinely engaging people in conversations around how we might make the workplace better, more effective, faster, safer, and all of those sorts of things." Joe always had a plan that he was happy with, but he wasn't interested in getting our insights or ideas.

Meanwhile, for all her fun and frankness, Eva often put the rest of us on edge. She was unpredictable, and her moods often dominated the day. She may have she showed that it was OK to open up, but she left little room for anyone else to do that too.

On the podcast, Amy Edmondson explains what can happen when people's authenticity is limited by others. "Not only do they hold back but they don't feel engaged. You know, their heart's not in it. And sometimes they don't feel as good about themselves."

Skillful Authenticity

So how do we achieve just the right amount of authenticity at work?

Author Frances Frei recommends that people like Eva "trim" their authenticity. "If your whole authenticity isn't a problem for your showing up but, wow, we just don't need to see that final 20 percent... I think it's a totally reasonable thing to do, to keep that 20 percent at home. It won't be inauthentic."

And Professor Gareth Jones tells people like Joe to be a little less self-possessed, and to find more similarities and connections with others. "We are not just saying 'be yourself.' You have to be yourself skillfully. Too much difference and things fall apart."

Making Authenticity Work

There are infinite ways to be authentic. And organizations need to make us all feel safe to be ourselves, if we're to do our best, to enjoy our jobs, and in turn to build businesses that people trust. In the words of Sabrina Horn, "'Fake it till you make it' is the worst business advice ever!"

But we should also take an honest look at the impact of our authenticity. Like Eva, it's possible to be too open; and like Joe, too secure in what works for us alone. We should be prepared to "trim" our instinctive approach at times, and to use authenticity skillfully, to get the balance right.

That way, we can be ourselves, but help others to be their best selves at work, too.

Listen to the Latest Episode of Mind Tools Expert Voices

Mind Tools Club Members and Corporate Licensees can listen to the full Expert Voices podcast now.

If you're not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including a range of audio features. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

What's Your Authentic Advice?

What do you think is the right level of authenticity to aim for? Why is it beneficial to be authentic at work? Are there times when it's particularly powerful to be yourself? And when should you "trim" your authenticity – for the good of others, and yourself? Please share your thoughts, below.

The post How Authentic Should You Be at Work? appeared first on Mind Tools.

Hungarian Frigyes Karinthy wrote about this phenomenon long before the invention of the internet, in his 1929 short story, "Chains." But the Six Handshake Rule, as it's also known, still holds true today.

So, if we are so well connected, why do we have so many challenges when it comes to communication, understanding and diversity? Even connecting with ourselves has become problematic.

I have a service dog. Her name is Jackie. Jackie has been trained to perform specific tasks to help me when I'm struggling with my health or struggling mentally.

But the process did not and does not begin in a training class. The process begins with me connecting with her emotionally, mentally and physically.

She has had to learn to trust me for us to achieve a mutual state of respect. For us to care for, and about, one another. You can't train that.

Connectedness, Normality and Balance

Her training has built upon the connectedness we have developed, so that she understands what a normal state for me is. And she understands when I am moving outside that realm of normalness.

When she identifies a state of abnormality, Jackie uses her training to respond. That is where she believes our strengths lie – in a state of normality.

"Every problem emerges from the false belief we are separate from one another, and every answer emerges from the realization we are not."

Marianne Williamson, American author

When we connect with others and with ourselves, we generate our own state of normality. And when we find ourselves in situations that challenge that normality, we try to move away from the imbalance and move toward a "normal" balance again. Our brains and bodies feel most comfortable and least threatened when that balance exists.

The Root of Connectedness

Human beings are connected by more than mere survival instincts: we also share a need to belong. Once we no longer belong, we feel hopeless and alone. We seek purpose in life but have no means to establish it.

Learning to understand, for example, the difference between kindness and being patronizing, or the power of language to divide, can change the way we connect with others and the way others connect with us.

We often establish false "connections," whereby someone or some group appears to embrace us, but it is not a true state of connection. It is a state that is created only to pacify, to calm, and for a temporary connection.

True connectedness allows us to feel connected whether the object of that connection is present or not.

Building Connectedness

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about building connectedness. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. What does connectedness mean to you?

@Engage_Leaders Reaching a deep understanding and respect with a person or group.

@SanabriaJav It's not a word I use much, but it invokes a sense of community, or belonging.

Q2. How do you know whether you're connected?

@ColfaxInsurance If seeing something or hearing something makes you automatically think of a person (and they do the same with you), you're chatting frequently, you don't hesitate to reach out to them.

@emapirciu I know I'm connected when something random makes me think about a certain person/group/entity, and I feel like sharing the experience with them.

Q3. How does connectedness contribute to our well-being?

@SizweMoyo You're less stressed and it's less of a drag to work when you are being seen by your team. It makes us feel good and wanted, and this is good for our well-being.

@Yolande_MT We are not hardwired for working/living in silos. Connectedness helps us cooperate and think better.

Q4. How much choice/power do you have around your level of connectedness?

@SustainedLeader While we all encounter situations that take us out of our comfort zones, generally it is a choice. For example, some work in areas with great public interaction, others less so. We seek our own connectedness level.

@MicheleDD_MT It is our choice to make. Do we let people in to get to know us? Do we listen with empathy with others?

Q5. What are the risks of not being connected?

@PmTwee Fundamentally being connected is [a] human thing. Can't imagine the risk of not being human.

@Midgie_MT Risks include believing our own (sometimes irrational) thoughts. Others can provide a sounding board or help reframe things.

Q6. Why do connections fade/break?

@katwife Lack of attention. Tending to the relationship or connection takes a back seat. It's not top priority. Lack of perceived value in the connection.

@carriemaslen Connections can break instantly when we lose trust or respect. Connections can break over time when life moves us in different directions.

Q7. Who do you choose not to connect with and why?

@HloniphileDlam7 Anyone who has no respect for others or even for nature. You can't respect me and fail to respect others.

@MikeBarzacchini I don't know if it's a conscious choice, but I'm sure I've let connections drift and fray simply because the other person(s) didn't want to connect, or they had motivations to connect that I may have perceived as counterproductive.

Q8. How does connection benefit us at work?

@J_Stephens_CPA Even when we row the boat in the same direction, there is a difference in how we are connected. A rowing team practices to be faster and better. But slave galleys chained the rowers together. Treating each other with that respect is so important.

@umieshwar When we are connected problems are solved faster, stress is managed better, more creative solutions are presented, the feeling of fulfilment grows, we work efficiently, mistakes are corrected in the beginning, the trust grows, the team learns faster.

Q9. Who do you choose to connect with and why?

@lg217 Me personally, I choose to connect with those I feel give me good vibes because I feel that all of us can benefit with each other in some way, but it is always best to connect with those who would take the time to connect with you and not someone to use you.

@ZalkaB I tend to gravitate towards like-minded people, and also people who inspire me, who are open, kind, giving and are always looking to connect w/others for different purposes. People who see/hear/accept/value others for no "ulterior" motives.

Q10. How can we grow our connectedness?

@MarkC_Avgi Listen & observe. Pause. Think to understand not only your view on things but the view of others. Be open-minded. If you decide you want to be connected, make the first move/gesture & reach out. Give the connection a valid/genuine "effort." Do not be fooled.

@Tanjiskas By sharing and being vulnerable. Showing our true self to the other, through honesty and just listening to what the other has to say without judgment and respecting the opinion that your teammate has. Being there for each other.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

Building connectedness is more than just building relationships with others. It's also about building strong and resilient communities.

Next week we're going to talk about building communities, and in our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know where you most frequently experience a strong sense of community. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Building Community Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that explore ways to build strong communities. (Some of these may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.)

How to Make "High-Quality Connections"

Professional Networking

Blanchard's ABCD Model of Trust

Self-Disclosure

Building Rapport

Authentic Leadership

How to Make Small Talk

8 Ways to Beat Loneliness in the Workplace

The post Building Connectedness – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

What Is Trust?

There are many definitions of trust but, at its core, trust is about feeling safe to place your confidence in someone (or something) else. Vulnerability is an important aspect of trust. When you trust someone with something, you place your well-being outside of your own control. For this reason, some people have an enormous amount of difficulty learning to trust others, and it can be one of the toughest things to earn.

It's often said that trust is in short supply. Arguably, the spread of fake news, the proliferation of social media bots, and the instability of the global economy are all undermining our confidence in institutions, authority figures, and the media. But still, it's trust that makes the world go around.

Indeed, trust is a huge part of our daily lives. We trust the little piece of plastic in our wallet to give us instant access to our bank accounts, and we trust others to show up when we make appointments (well, most people at least!). We trust the snooze function on our alarm to work on that difficult Monday morning, and we trust the traffic lights to function on our commute to work!

Why Trust Is Critical in the Workplace

Building trust is especially important in the workplace. As teams become more dispersed and departments more compartmentalized, it's essential that we can rely on those working closely with us to deliver.

Without trust, the best-case scenario is that people aren't performing as well as they could. And in the worst-case scenario, there is a damaging breakdown in team output as tension, unhappiness, conflict, and miscommunication take over.

But, with trust comes safety. And with safety people are willing to take risks, to suggest unusual ideas, to go the extra mile for others, and to put in extra effort. In my own experience, the one constant feature of a good job has been a close, trusting team. Without that trust, a job is less likely to be satisfying and rewarding.

Retaining talent, minimizing staff turnover, and maintaining productivity are essential for organizations to work at their best, and trust is a key part of that. But building trust is easier said than done. So, how can you bring a team together?

Your Top Tips on Building Team Trust

Our article, Building Trust Inside in Your Team, has some great advice on this topic. But we wanted to hear your thoughts on the subject, so we asked our friends and followers on social media, "How do you build trust in a team?" Here's a selection of your replies.

Rapport and Communication

A key theme was the importance of communication. Our Facebook friend Etame Dimitte said simply, "Encourage rapport."

Similarly, on LinkedIn, Dream0203 Trinh said that she believes in the role of dialogue: "[Be] honest, open, listen. Understand to be understood."

Also on LinkedIn, June Shepherd tweaked a famous political sound bite to help make his point. "Communicate, communicate, communicate. Frequent, honest communication builds trust. Poor communication is one of the key reasons work relationships fall apart."

Read our article, Building Rapport, for great advice on how to establish lasting connections with others.

Create a Safe Environment

Expanding on the theme of communication, many of you emphasized the importance of fostering a "safe space."

On Twitter, Ashley Murray said, "Allow the environment to be a safe space to make mistakes. Allow for these to be growth opportunities."

Project manager Engin Gursoy spoke about the need to remove judgment. He said, "Create a safe space where nobody is judged and everybody feels responsible with the failures and successes of the team together."

There was also emphasis on bonding and building trust by pushing the boundaries. On Twitter, imPROs said, "Play, take risks together in a secure space where errors have no consequences, see each other laugh, tell each other stories created in the moment."

The power of a safe environment to "play" and learn about each other was well summed up by Andy Bradley. He said,"By hearing each other’s stories. The formative moments. What we are made of. I have seen teams transform when given space to listen to these stories."

Good Leadership

While communication is certainly key, Lauren Dacruz believes there is more to it than that. She said, "I believe that communication and transparency are very important. However, people management is of utmost importance."

Many of you noted the importance of leadership in gaining and building trust within a team. "To build team trust, it is important to foster team respect through enabling peer to peer support, sharing of learning and team learning," said L&D professional and coach, Georgia Yiannikas.

On Facebook, Mohammad Al-Tamimi commented that the way for leaders to gain trust is simple: "When you explain why any decision has been made, the team members should trust the leader in the future."

But June Shepard upped the ante, and suggested that with leadership and trust, the mantra should be "show, don't tell."

"Show people you care about them," June said. "When people know you care about their interests as much as your own, they will trust you. If they know you are out for yourself, their internal alarm sounds and they will say to themselves, 'Watch out for that person.'"  

Teach Yourself to Trust

June also made a final, interesting point – ask yourself, do you really trust your team, deep down?

He said, "I believe people trust their teams. But then [they] continue to micromanage, refuse to offer opportunities for growth, and are critical of the tiniest missteps. True trust must be rooted in actions and accountability. Start by verbalizing it, and say the words, 'I trust you.'"

Mind Tools Resources

Mind Tools Club and Connect users can access our many Book Insight podcasts on trust, including:

• "The Speed of Trust" By Stephen M R Covey
• "Smart Trust" By Stephen M. R. Covey and Greg Link
• "Trust Works! Four Keys to Building Lasting Relationships" By Ken Blanchard, Cynthia Olmstead, and Martha Lawrence
• "The Trust Edge: How Top Leaders Gain Faster Results, Deeper Relationships, and a Stronger Bottom Line" By David Horsager

Thank you to everyone who responded to our #MTtips question. Feel free to continue the discussion in the comments section, below!

The post How Do You Build Team Trust? – Your Top Tips appeared first on Mind Tools.

Well, no. Whether it’s keeping your word, confiding in someone, working as a team, or delivering on time, trust is the glue that holds things together. But trust takes time to build, and it only grows when people feel that it's warranted.

Employers and employees, customers and suppliers, staff and customers, partners, friends, family – these relationships depend on trust. Without it, we’d all be wracked with insecurities and paranoia, stuck in workplaces rife with backstabbing and broken promises.

Trusting Too Little, and Too Much

Some people give their trust too readily, eager to think the best of others.

When I spoke to my partner, Leo, about this blog post, he told me about the only time he was ever fired – all because he trusted a boss he shouldn’t have.

When he was stocktaking in a restaurant for his boss, Rob, Leo discovered that some figures had been manipulated. Playing it off as an accident, Rob asked Leo to enter the same figures as the previous week, and told him that he would sort it out later. Leo trusted Rob, but the next day an unexpected audit saw Leo accused and dismissed. Clearly, trusting someone doesn't always pay off.

On the other hand, some people can place too little trust in others.

My roommate, Beth, works for an overbearing, self-sabotaging manager. She’s forever second-guessing Beth’s work, reminding her to do things she has already done, and checking, in front of the whole office, that Beth hasn’t made any “mistakes.” That’s a horrible environment in which to spend the working week. This type of unjustified distrust stifles creativity and passion, and it reduces productivity, too.

In its 2016 global CEO survey, PwC reported that 55 percent of CEOs think a lack of trust is a threat to their organization’s growth. Instead, managers could be fostering honest and respectful relationships, using Daniel Pink's AMP model of motivation, for example.

The Science Behind Trust and Betrayal

Recent scientific research on trust (and on the burden of keeping something to yourself) shows just how fundamental trust is to us humans.

In a Swiss study by neuroscientist Thomas Baumgartner, one test group was given the neurotransmitter oxytocin, while another was given a placebo. Both groups were then lied to. Our brains release oxytocin when we bond socially, and the subjects in the oxytocin group demonstrated increased levels of trust, even toward a person who had previously been dishonest with them.

Studies like this suggest that we’re hardwired to trust others, even if it means overriding logic and our gut instincts. (So maybe don’t beat yourself up too much for trusting that terrible ex!)

What’s more, other studies suggest that keeping a secret can be bad for our emotional health. Our brains are predisposed toward telling the truth, and concealing it can lead to anxiety, fear and higher levels of stress. Recent research from the University of Notre Dame on 110 participants also found that those who reported less deception showed fewer mental and physical health complaints (such as sore throats or headaches), and improvements in their personal relationships and social interactions.

Protecting Trust

Do you always do what you say you’re going to do? And do you always act in line with your values? You project your personal brand every day, and demonstrating trustworthiness is one of the best things you can do for your career.

We all know someone that we dread sharing a project with, and who will never give us a straight answer. I once worked with a girl called Rachel. I’d ask her to do something five times before just giving up and doing it myself. Rachel missed every opportunity to prove herself and her potential.

At work we are almost always part of a team, and we have other people’s reputations in our hands as well as our own. One manager I worked with never, ever delivered on time. I’d always hear, “Yeah, great, I’ll get that to you tomorrow!”

My heart would sink, knowing that it would never happen. I'd think about the email I would inevitably receive from the client, assuming that the delay was down to me. “It’s affecting my reputation and career, but it’s never my fault,” I lamented to a colleague, tears in my eyes.

If you're reliable and honest, regardless of the circumstances, you become a valuable resource to any company. It'll do wonders for your reputation, too.

When Trust Is Broken

Trust can take years to build, but just moments to come crashing down.

When trust is broken, we can close ourselves off, harbor anger, and lose empathy with the person responsible. In a personal setting, you might be able to cut your ties with them. But, at work, you might have to see, work with, and rely on that person every day.

And we can't close ourselves off from the world at large. The vast amount of information we share each day, and the way that we share it, has made fake news a threat to our mental health, to our sense of well-being, and to social cohesion. It makes us inherently distrustful, crushing our curiosity and affecting our desire to learn.

How to Foster Trust

Broken trust is very difficult to rebuild. But it's far easier in an honest, solutions-based work culture, than in one where people are afraid of taking the blame.

We all make mistakes sometimes, and it’s important to own up to them, no matter how much the truth hurts, or how difficult the conversation may be. It will show people that you’re responsible, accountable, and want to understand and improve. Be sure to demonstrate empathy and appreciation when someone else owns up, too.

It's also important to mend broken relationships. We all know what betrayal feels like, and how much it hurts. It’s natural to feel cautious if you’ve been burned before. But, just as we can learn to love again after a broken heart, so we can focus on honesty and openness, and on forging new and better working relationships – for our own good and everyone else’s.

Use Trust to Change Your Workplace Culture

Working together has always been the key to our success as a species. Trust offers everyone the chance to grow and prove themselves. Trusting each other, rather than wasting energy watching our backs, gives us the opportunity to be creative and productive.

Author Paul J. Zak notes in his book "Trust Factor: The Science of Creating High-Performance Companies" that companies where trust is high benefit from 74 percent less stress, 106 percent more energy at work, 50 percent higher productivity, 76 percent more engagement, 29 percent more satisfaction, and 40 percent less burnout.

A lack of trust holds us back. Fostering trust helps to create an environment where communication is open and honest, and where problems are solved before harm is done. Trusting, and feeling trusted, creates a deeper connection and a shared sense of purpose. It brings out the best in all of us.

What does trust mean to you? Has someone broken your trust? What did you learn? And how do you approach your relationships now? Share your thoughts, below.

The post What Does Trust Mean to You? appeared first on Mind Tools.

Corporate social responsibility has gone through a quiet evolution in the past decade, and that's a good thing. You may remember when it meant spending a Friday afternoon planting trees at a local school. Or maybe doing a charity fun run. While such activities still take place, the idea of businesses "doing good" has broadened.

The Growing Importance of CSR

As a brand strategist and researcher, Anne Bahr Thompson has watched this development take shape. In simple terms, corporate social responsibility today is more than just a line on the balance sheet.

"Doing good is not a cost of doing business," she says. "It's an investment into your reputation. It's an investment into your brand. What those investments get you is more loyal customers and more loyal employees. Ultimately, greater loyalty leads to greater profits."

The Moral Dissonance of Doing Good

This idea may feel a little uncomfortable. Our traditions tell us that doing good should be altruistic. We shouldn't get something for it – because, if we do, how can that be "good" in the purest sense? In our Expert Interview podcast, Bahr Thompson confronts this moral dissonance head-on.

"[Doing good] is not about becoming a nonprofit. We’re in a new time in society. There are new demands being made on everybody, and there's no reason businesses shouldn't respond to that," she says.

In other words, businesses need to step up to do their bit for society, and if they benefit from that, so much the better. Everyone's a winner.

The Five Steps to Brand Citizenship

This approach is reflected in the title of her new book, "Do Good: Embracing Brand Citizenship to Fuel Both Purpose and Profit." It's based on in-depth research by Bahr Thompson that looked at what people think about companies as corporate citizens.

Out of this research came Bahr Thompson's five steps to "brand citizenship" – a framework built on what she found, but also a call to action.

"Brand citizenship runs across something I call the 'me-to-we continuum,'" she explains. "It's a call for companies to break down silos and start behaving in a more integrative manner across departments, to co-create and collaborate with their customers and their employees, and join things up.

Moving From "We" to "Me"

"It's about moving in an honest and sincere manner from a higher purpose. But not a higher purpose that's altruistic; a higher purpose that's related to what your business is about and how your business serves both its customers and society," she continues.

The "me-to-we continuum" pinpoints how corporate social responsibility has changed. CSR used to be based on "we" – society or the community. Today, it's still about "we," but it starts with "me" – the customer or employee.

Trust, Enrichment, Responsibility

So, it follows that the first step toward brand citizenship is trust, squarely in the "me" zone. For Bahr Thompson, this is about "hard work, diligence, constantly listening, and being willing to take a risk and make a mistake."

Importantly, this applies internally as well as externally – you need to build trust with employees as well as customers.

The second step is enrichment, again focused on "me." Bahr Thompson cites Apple as a brand that enriches people's lives, by putting communication and entertainment at their fingertips.

Third is responsibility, the "pivot point between being a 'me' brand and being given permission to become a 'we' brand," she says. Companies must show responsibility to their employees, for example through fair wages, and also responsibility to society.

Good Work in the Community

Indeed, community is the fourth step along the me-to-we continuum. Here, Bahr Thompson talks about companies that have successfully built real communities around their brands, and not just online – for example, the garden days run by cleaning brand Mrs. Meyer's.

With the final step, contribution, we arrive at the "we" end of the continuum. This is about enriching the world, not just our own individual experiences. An example of this is the coffee brand Kenco, which helps young men in Honduras to escape a life of gangs and drugs, bettering society as well as the beneficiaries of the scheme.

The Journey of Brand Citizenship

Brand citizenship is a journey, Bahr Thompson concedes, but "society is changing the dynamic and raising the bar every day." Organizations of all sizes need to think about this and start experimenting.

She admits that this may sound daunting, but says, "Inside yourselves you know it's right, and I challenge you to take a risk. Do it one day and then do it again the next day, and then little by little, you'll change your culture." And hopefully, the world.

In this audio clip, from our Expert Interview podcast, Bahr Thompson tells us more about the research that lies behind her book, and its five-step journey to brand citizenship.

Listen to the full 30-minute interview in the Mind Tools Club.

What are your top tips for doing good – for yourself, your company, and your community? Join the discussion, below!

The post Brand Citizenship: What Does "Doing Good" Actually Mean? appeared first on Mind Tools.

It really irritates me if I sit in a class or lecture and the facilitator only knows two people's names. It feels as if they talk to those two people only, and the rest of us are like extras on a movie set.

After lecturing and facilitating for a few years myself, it became increasingly important to me to make everybody in a class feel that I connected with them, and so I started using a four-step approach.

Step 1: Learn People's Names

I challenge myself to learn the names of everybody in a group before our first tea break. When I start with a new group, I make sure that I greet them all personally before our first session begins. That's my first step to building a relationship with them, and also the first time I can connect their names and faces.

The ice breaker that I normally use gives everybody a chance to speak, and it helps me to form associations. The associations help me to remember people's names.

Before the first tea break, I ask everybody to turn over or cover their name tags. Then, I go through the class and say each person's name (and usually remember all of them). If I forget a name when I have to say it, I mostly remember it before I'm done with the whole group. I'll then go back to that person immediately and say their name.

I've found that people deeply appreciate it when someone at least makes the effort to learn their names, because isn't knowing somebody's name often where connection begins?

Step 2: Create A Safe Space

I work in a country where 90 percent of the people who use English as a business language have a different first language. It presents us with unique challenges in a lecture hall. People are often shy to talk for fear of making a mistake, or because they feel they don't know enough "big words."

Early in the training I declare my lecture hall a safe space. I specifically tell delegates that it's OK to ask a question or participate in a discussion in less-than-perfect English. I also give them my assurance that nobody ridicules another person in my lecture hall for any reason.

It's one of our basic needs as human beings to feel safe in all circumstances. And, when we feel safe, we want to connect with the person who created the safe space.

Step 3: Give Equal Recognition

Third, I don't make a fuss of great comments or answers and I don't shoot down those that aren't so great. I realize that many people don't enjoy it if their comment gets a lukewarm reaction and someone else's comments receive huge praise.

It's important to me to thank people for their effort to participate, so I respond with "thank you for sharing that" or something similar. I will then either ask a follow-up question or connect their comment to information covered in class.

Step 4: Be Relatable

"Relatability" creates connection. It means that as a lecturer, I have to be willing to make myself vulnerable. My position in the room implies that I have knowledge and experience, so to me it's important that I share stories of my challenges, learning curves, and failures.

My appearance can also either help or hinder forming a connection, so I'm mindful of what I wear. I'm careful not to dress in a way that would make me seem alien to a group.

Connection Brings Responsibility

Many of my students and delegates have kept in contact with me for many years. I often receive emails that start with, "Because I trust you, I'd like to ask you about...".

Always know that connection comes with responsibility. Honor your word. Keep the trust relationship intact. And live respectfully toward all.

Connecting at Work

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last week we spoke about "Connecting at Work."

Here are all of the questions that we asked during the chat, and some of the responses.

Q1. What do we mean by "connecting"?

@MicheleDD_MT Building rapport, being genuinely interested in a person & what they have to say.

@ComfortWriter "Connecting" is reaching out and having the other side reach back.

Q2. What's the difference between communicating and connecting?

@Midgie_MT Communicating is simply conveying a message. Connecting is also understanding that message.

@manavlalotra Simply put – you can communicate without connecting but not vice versa.

Q3. What happens when you are NOT connecting well with others?

@BernieMixon You become invisible in all the ways that matter.

@Yolande_MT Your screen is on but you're offline. You're there, but disconnected. Building walls instead of bridges.

Q4. Is it easier for some roles/levels/types of people to connect than others? Who and why?

@ChayneDaisy Whoever we are and whatever role we do, if you have a will, want or need to connect you'll find a way – we're all people.

@ZalkaB It depends on the personality and your role. But I think it depends on the effort you put into establishing connections & reach out.

Q5. How has social media affected connecting at work?

Some people feel that social media is a necessary evil, while others feel that it plays an important role in keeping people connected.

@FranklySandeep Social media is helping some functions but relationships can only be developed by good old fashioned networking.

@PG_pmp Social Media has played a huge role connecting people globally, sharing their experiences to bring in more value and for a greater cause.

@maat333 It's a tool, therefore its nature is good (faster communication), but can also be bad (distorts and atrophies messages and skills).

Q6. What are the risks of seeking to connect?

@WonderPix Making connection does bring risks – of rejection, loss, trust, etc. It's worth it though.

@harrisonia Connection risk: unmatched sharing (meaning you're offering more than I'm interested in learning or knowing right now).

Q7. How do you deal with the darker side of connecting?

@wordsallowed Ah the thieves and trolls. Integrity rules. No one can steal your expertise and skills.

@rinkutalk Connecting without authenticity is short-term and meaningless. You lose trust and faith.

Q8. Where have you connected most effectively or easily, and why/how do you think that happened?

@GilchristGeorge Face to face with people, spending time building trust and walking the talk.

@BrainBlenderTec I pretty much connect with most as I don't make any assumptions and give benefit of doubt. I don't really talk on the surface but go deeper.

Q9. What might you do to connect with someone at work who you do not get along with/don't trust, yet still have to interact with?

@TheCraigKaye Talk to them, differences are cool for creating new ideas and ways of working! Aim for a feeling of ease with your communications.

@JKatzaman Keep work connections on a professional level, whether you get along with a person or not. Doing your job well will reflect well.

Q10. How might you help team members connect better with each other?

@Jikster2009 Act as a conduit and create opportunities for them to connect; demonstrate the benefits and role model the ideal behaviours.

@TwinkleTutoring Be the bridge! Find the common ground and highlight to each party. Or play role of facilitator between them and build understanding.

Next time, on #MTtalk...

How big a role does the way we dress play in creating connection with others? And how do you feel about workplace dress codes? Let us know by casting your vote in our poll over here.

In our next #MTtalk on Friday, October 13, our topic is "Dress Codes at Work: Fashion and Fitting In." To share your thoughts and ideas, please join us at 1pm EDT/5pm GMT/10:30pm IST.

To participate in our chat about workplace dress codes, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “All Tweets” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. To join the conversation, simply include #MTtalk in your tweet and it will show up in the chat feed.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that will help you learn more about connecting at work:

Building Rapport

Self-Disclosure

Mindful Listening

Working With People You Don't Like

How to Have Clever Conversations

Building Trust

Empathy at Work

The Johari Window

Emotional Intelligence

How to Make "High Quality Connections"

Building Great Work Relationships

Back to the Shop Floor

Authenticity

Servant Leadership

Establishing Credibility

Neuro-Linguistic Programming

The Power of Trust: a Steel Cable

The post Connecting at Work – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

The post Play Matters When You're Being Creative at Work appeared first on Mind Tools.