But emotions have their place at work, much as many of us like to pretend that our jobs are all business. Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy have written two excellent books on the topic. "No Hard Feelings" describes the need and value of bringing your emotions to work in a balanced way, while "Big Feelings" discusses how to deal with the difficult feelings we all face at times.

Sometimes we're dealing with big feelings in our personal lives. We might need support. And acknowledging and addressing our emotional needs can help us to get our work done.

Feelings Too Big to Hide at Work

Last year, I struggled with my big feelings around major life transitions. I hadn't mentioned these personal events to any colleagues. Then I attended a team-building event where the whole company got together.

It started with an ice-breaker exercise and I found myself face-to-face with the head of the whole company. We had a question to discuss that looked innocent on the surface, but it also got a bit personal. As I started answering the question, I began to cry, right in front of him.

He didn't know the context for my breakdown, as it wasn't really contained in the question or my answer. But I'm grateful for his kind and even-handed response. It was a wake-up call for me that I needed support during this tough time. My feelings were too big to keep to myself – and too overwhelming to successfully fence off from my working life.

Finding Support

Ultimately, work is what helped me navigate these big feelings. I spoke to supportive colleagues about my life changes. I also attended a program called "Tea and Talk," offered by my company's Mental Health First Aid initiative. One colleague led these monthly sessions, facilitating laid-back discussions around a mental health topic while we all chatted over coffee or tea.

Sometimes we need to take time off to navigate big feelings. For me, it was the opposite – I found that my work provided a necessary distraction from getting too overwhelmed by emotions.

Having something useful to do helped me feel productive during a difficult time. And when I needed to take small breaks during the day to process emotions by doing things like taking a walk or grabbing a cup of tea, my flexible working schedule allowed me to take them.

Feeling and Connecting

Bringing my feelings to work, like I'm doing right now in this blog, helps me connect with others, whether it's through the content I write or my relationships with colleagues. I've realized that knowing how to handle my emotions in a healthy way makes me better at my job.

So, don't leave your big feelings behind when you start your workday. They won't stay there. Learn how to bring them gracefully into your professional life, and they'll enrich the work you do!

Listen to Our "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Melanie has worked as a writer, freelance and in-house editor, university writing instructor, and language teacher. She is the author of a short story collection, "Dream Signs," and a non-fiction book, "The Modern Enneagram." Melanie has written for several publications including Huffington Post, Cicada, and Contrary Magazine. And she is a certified teacher of the Enneagram, a personality typology that illuminates people's core motivations.

The post When Big Feelings Come to Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

What's more, your own body language, as a leader, can either enhance or undermine how you are viewed. Positive body language can help leaders be more empathetic and establish better communication. It can strengthen the connection with employees and inspire trust.

To get some tips on effective non-verbal leadership communication, I spoke with Joe Navarro, ex-FBI special agent and one of the world's leading experts on non-verbal communication. Navarro is now an instructor and private consultant to major corporations. He is the best-selling author of over 14 books, including his latest, "Be Exceptional: Master the Five Traits That Set Extraordinary People Apart." I was just as thrilled to speak with Anne-Maartje Oud, CEO and Founder of The Behaviour Company and body language expert.

What Is Non-verbal Communication?

"Non-verbal communication," says Navarro, "is anything that communicates a message but is not a word." It's everything from our facial expressions and gestures, to what we wear, to how well we are groomed.

Even good manners constitute non-verbal body language, Navarro says. "So things such as:

• opening the door for others.
• using a good tone of voice. 
• smiling. 
• being kind. 

"These are all forms of non-verbals, and these are power to businesspeople. Never underestimate the power of being kind and liking others. Period."

You are always on display as a leader, whether in a one-on-one meeting or when virtually presenting to large groups. As Navarro explains, our body language constantly transmits information about our thoughts, feelings and intentions.

How to Improve Non-verbal Communication

Being conscious of the non-verbal messages we send is essential. For one thing, this awareness will help us ensure that our body language matches our words. It will also help us avoid negative body language that could make us appear unfriendly or lacking confidence.

To get you started on improving your non-verbal communication, try these tips from Navarro:

Take Your Time

"One of the things we understand universally," says Navarro, "is that a leader exercises control by how they enter a room, how they look around, and so forth. And, of course, how they dress and the manner in which they walk and carry themselves.

"Leaders don't do anything hurriedly. They don't have to. They're leaders. So, we say that they have temporal control.

"One of the things we see over and over in leadership," adds Navarro, "is this way you carry yourself where you don't have to hurry." 

Use Cadence

Navarro says another way leaders exercise temporal control is that "they take the time to meet and greet everybody, to make good solid eye contact with them. And then they deliver their message. They exercise what we call 'temporal control,' which is they use cadence."

I asked him to give an example of leaders using cadence. "Winston Churchill used this brilliantly," he replied. "Martin Luther King was also exceptional in using cadence. And we saw it also with Abraham Lincoln when he gave the Gettysburg Speech:

Four score and seven years ago, [pause]. 

Our forefathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, [pause]. 

"Because you're speaking in cadence," explains Navarro, "you're taking up time and the person that controls time, in essence, controls." 

Navarro concludes by saying that "these are things that a leader can use and demonstrate, and in so doing, a leader is communicating that they're in charge because they're not in a hurry. Because they can take their time walking in, walking about, and dominating the conversation by speaking in tones that demonstrate that time is theirs. And, of course, speaking in cadence beautifully controls the attention and time." 

However, your body language shouldn't always be the same for every person you talk to in every conversation. Just like verbal communication, you should tailor your non-verbal communication to fit the context. Here are a couple of examples where some nuance is needed:

Body Language When Navigating a Difficult Conversation With an Employee

Conducting an effective difficult conversation with an employee is a critical leadership competence. You may need to give a negative performance review, deliver stern feedback, or reset an employee's expectations. 

So how can body language help you to handle these difficult conversations successfully?

"That's a great question. First of all," says Navarro, "you have to have boundaries. You have to demonstrate that you are, in fact, a leader, but you are willing to listen. And listen as long as it takes so that the person feels that their message is being received and that they have their say." 

Navarro emphasizes that it's essential to be direct, not fidgeting. "Just think about what you need to say in advance and then just say it. And if you have to tell someone they're being put on notice because they're failing in their task, then you just lay it out, just like that." 

I asked Oud to elaborate on any body language cues a leader should give when handling a difficult conversation with an employee. 

"It depends," replied Oud, "on if the conversation is difficult for you as a leader (maybe you are new to this kind of conversation on how to give constructive feedback) or if the difficulty is there for the employee." 

This is an important distinction. We explored how a leader can make an employee feel comfortable during a difficult conversation.

"Being a good listener helps. Listening is key," explains Oud. "Also, ensure that your posture, gestures and voice are not antagonistic. We can be empathetic with our gestures but also firm with boundaries." 

Our message must be plain and understandable, stresses Oud, "and supported by congruent behavior: a straight posture, a clear voice and good eye contact. Use your eyes to gaze as you listen but not stare with acrimony." 

According to Oud, it also helps to validate the fears and apprehensions of others. "In the end, the message must be conveyed as humanely as possible." 

Body Language When Communicating With a Neurodivergent Employee

Neurodivergent people have a brain that works differently from the average or "neurotypical" person. This includes differences in ways of learning, ways of communicating, or ways of perceiving the environment. 

Should leaders adapt their body language and communication style when talking to neurodivergent employees?

Oud says: "Adaptation is key for anyone who wants to communicate effectively. As a leader, you should observe and understand how you can create comfort during your conversation to help others, yourself and the company achieve the goals ahead." 

"Neurodiversity," she adds, "is such a broad category that may require standing further away or perhaps making less eye contact, slowing down how fast you speak, or changing the tone of voice. Observation is key to determining what will make the other person or team more psychologically comfortable and how to act accordingly."

Focusing on what makes a person more psychologically comfortable ties in with an important principle Joe Navarro talks about: the importance of observing people's signs of "comfort" and "discomfort."

Focusing on these two behavioral clues will give you the necessary information to help you adapt your approach accordingly. It will yield powerful insights that can make you a more effective communicator. Asking yourself, "Are people comfortable or uncomfortable?" is one of the top ways of becoming body-language smart.

Taking Control of Your Body Language

When we seek to learn about body language, many of us look for tips on detecting deception or projecting power. But the overarching message I have gotten from Joe Navarro and Anne-Maartje Oud is to focus instead on observing the signs of comfort or discomfort in others. Using these cues to modify your body language so that others feel at ease around you is a surefire way to become a better communicator and achieve greater success in your interaction.

Discover more about using body language to communicate more effectively, with our recommended resources:

Body Language
Adapting Your Communication Style Video
Body Language Battle Video
What Every BODY Is Saying
5 Moves to Master Body Language Infographic

About the Author:

Bruna is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

The post How to Use Body Language to Be a Better Leader – Tips From the Experts! appeared first on Mind Tools.

Unfortunately, there are many irritating people out there – from the story one-uppers and interrupters to the lazy good-for-nothings, know-it-alls, and lip-smackers. In fact, you may even work with a few of them.

What Is a Difficult Person – and Could It Be You?

Difficult behavior will look and impact everyone differently. Psychology professor and personality researcher, Joshua D Miller, Ph.D. identified seven traits of "disagreeableness" – callousness, grandiosity, aggressiveness, suspicion, manipulativeness, dominance, and risk-taking.

According to Miller, these seven traits help us to understand how antagonistic behavior can present in different people and strongly overlap with the three dark personality traits, otherwise known as the Dark Triad.

Miller even went on to use these traits to create a quiz for people to quantify their difficult personality as a percentage. I don't think I need to divulge what percentage I got, but let's just say it wasn't zero…

So, it turns out that everyone's at least a little bit difficult. But, according to Miller, as long as we are open and willing to change, our antagonism doesn't have to define us. So perhaps we shouldn't be too judgmental of other people's annoying qualities.

Three Tips for Working With Difficult People

Fine, we've admitted that we may not be the easiest to get along with. But that doesn't change the fact that we still have to work with difficult people. And while spending every day with them may feel like a never-ending nightmare, it's a reality that we all have to face.

So, if you want to keep your career and reputation intact, you'll need to learn to keep a cool head and deal with these situations respectfully and professionally.

Author of "Getting Along: How to Work With Anyone (Even Difficult People)," Amy Gallo, says that by modeling the behavior you want to see, you can "nudge" people into having more productive interactions. (You can hear from more experts about how to work with difficult people in our latest podcast episode.)

And while you may not be able to completely change other people's behavior, you can change how you react to it by following these simple rules:

1. Choose Your Battles

Consider if a person's difficult behavior is worth confronting. Does it get in the way of you doing your job? Have others complained? For example, a colleague chewing their lunch with their mouth open may be annoying, but it probably doesn't affect your work and may not warrant a discussion.

2. Take a Breather

Antagonistic actions can be tough to ignore and it's easy to allow them to cloud your judgment. Before you address the issue, take a moment to gather yourself. Deep breathing and slowly counting to 10 can help to lower your heart rate, restore calm, and look at the situation objectively.

3. Pick Your Words Carefully

If you do choose to approach the person about their behavior, be sure to do it privately. Be honest about how they have made you feel and assert your boundaries but always remain calm and polite. They may not even be aware of what they've been doing so be patient and allow them to explain themselves.

Getting along with your co-workers is an essential part of working life. But when antagonistic behavior threatens to disturb the peace, it's important not to let your emotions get the better of you. Gather yourself, be honest, and most importantly, treat others with kindness. After all, no one's perfect.

Have you ever worked with difficult people? To learn more about how to deal with difficult people, check out our supporting article.

About the Author

With a background in writing and illustration, Rosie uses her creative eye to produce eye-catching content. Specializing in videos, newsletters and articles, Rosie produces, writes, edits, and proofreads a wide range of resources. When she's not busy working, she'll likely be found whipping up cakes for her friends and family!

The post Am I a Difficult Person – or Is It Everyone Else? appeared first on Mind Tools.

One such time, when I was young (16 or 17), I saw a local shopkeeper getting harassed by a group of three young girls. I knew the shopkeeper... had often bought sweets from her shop on my way home from school. I didn't know what to do. The shopkeeper was trying to push these bullies out of the shop, and they were pushing and shoving the door right back. They were shouting and screaming at her. I was driving past in my car at the time. One voice in my head said "Get out and help her." The other (the winning voice as it turned out) said "What if you get hurt? Go find more help first."

So I raced home, got my mum and we went back to check on her together. Luckily, she was OK. But I distinctly remember the shopkeeper saying to me, "Why didn't you get out and help me?"

Truth be told, I should have. But I was scared and I panicked. I wish I'd been more brave, but my courage failed me. And I honestly still regret my decision to this day.

From Passive Bystander to Active Bystander

It can be hard to find the courage to intervene in situations like this. And, of course, if you do feel it's a situation that might be dangerous, the right decision is to go find extra help. But, I think the biggest learning I found from being a helpless (and as it turned out passive) bystander, was how I wished I could go back and be an active one... even if it did mean inserting myself into the fight. Why? Because it was the right thing to do.

What also would have been helpful to me back then was knowing how to intervene... what was the right way to approach a situation like this? What should I have done?

In our video, The 4Ds of Bystander Intervention, we talk about how to tackle tricky situations like these at work. Situations where you feel like you need to intervene to protect someone. It could be a colleague who keeps getting ignored in meetings, for example, being talked over, or even being bullied.

In the video, we describe four key ways you can intervene in situations like this and go from being a passive bystander to an active one.

Breaking the Glass Ceiling

Speaking out at work about the things you find systemically wrong can be really hard, and something that needs to be navigated carefully. Lack of progression for women, people who are disabled, or people who belong to a specific ethnic group, for example, is still a significant problem. Often, we might find ourselves feeling helpless to overcome these kinds of problems. But there are some things we can do to challenge things in a progressive and positive way.

We talk a lot about equality and equity in the workplace, and yet there are still glass ceilings imposed at work, for seemingly no other reason than "that's just the way things are." These barriers prevent marginalized people from getting the opportunities they deserve.

In our short video, Breaking the Glass Ceiling, we provide some great advice for employees and employers that can help them to tackle bias like this at work, and develop a culture that improves equity for all.

Avoiding Cognitive Bias

Finally, underpinning much of what we've talked about today is bias. Much has said been said in recent years about "unconscious bias," and whether it really is something we have or not. And, more importantly, whether there's anything we can really do about it. The truth is we do all have biases, whether they are unconscious or not – and they're often rooted in our values, our personal experiences, and our relationships.

They can cause us to miss or ignore certain things to get our own way, or to make snap decisions without really considering all points of view. Inevitably, this can cause us to make some pretty poor decisions. But there are some things we can do to test our biases and overcome them.

In our video on Cognitive Bias, we explore five different types of bias that we may experience, and discover what we can do to challenge and overcome them.

About the Author:

Lucy has over 10 years’ experience writing, editing and commissioning content. She has a keen interest in supporting inclusion and diversity, and facilitates Mind Tools' neurodiversity panel. Lucy also heads up Mind Tools’ video learning series, and particularly enjoys exploring and experimenting with new video formats. When she’s not producing fantastic new learning content, she can be found enjoying nature with her two kids and delving into the latest book on her very long reading list!

The post 3 Tools for Speaking Out at Work – All NEW Empowerment Videos appeared first on Mind Tools.

This is all about when you do your work, rather than where you do it. And it’s usually remote, but not always.

With a traditional synchronous model, you and your team will keep similar hours, meeting and working together in real time – maybe online, maybe face to face. With asynchronous work, people do their part whenever they want or need to. And rather than talking to colleagues, they find out what to do by tapping into systems and databases.

Does that sound appealing to you, or a little bit isolating? Well, according to Martin, it depends on how it’s done.

The Asynchronous Mindset

Martin recently shared his experiences and tips in a new book, co-written with his business partner Rob Rawson, called “Running Remote: Master the Lessons From the World’s Most Successful Remote-Work Pioneers.” And it's a Wall Street Journal and Publishers Weekly Bestseller.

When I talked to him for the latest Mind Tools Expert Interview, Martin explained the “asynch mindset,” based on “deliberate over-communication, democratized workflow, and detailed metrics."

Here's an excerpt. (You can stream the audio clip below or read a transcript here.)

My Experience of Asynchronous Working

As an independent journalist, I’ve spent many years working remotely and asynchronously, with mixed results.

When I was doing a master’s degree in the U.K., asynchronous work offered a financial lifeline. I was an associate editor for a New York-based magazine, and I edited articles while my editor slept, sending completed work in time for when he switched on in the morning. This situation suited all of us.

Earlier in my career, I was the Mexico correspondent of an American business magazine. Based in Mexico City, I worked alone, day after day, keeping in touch with my editor in Houston via email and occasionally text and phone.

I thrived on the autonomy this gave me, and loved coming up with new ideas for the magazine that I could run with, without anyone else weighing in. This kind of grassroots decision making is one of the positive features of asynchronous working, according to Martin.

But on the downside, it was sometimes difficult to motivate myself, and the days could drag. And if I needed a quick answer to something specific and unusual, which wasn’t in any policy or guidance document, well, “quick” was rarely an option. I had to wait until my editor came back online.

In-Person Communication Wins

Looking back on these experiences, I find the faces of my editors swimming into focus. Because we did meet up occasionally, and it is those face-to-face interactions that stand out most vividly when I think of those jobs.

Although a passionate advocate of asynchronous working, Martin agrees that synchronous communication remains an important piece of the remote-working puzzle. In fact, in his own hierarchy of communication, “in-person” comes top, and every year, his own company holds a face-to-face retreat for all its employees.

“We’ve recognized that synchronous time is so important to be able to, number one, build rapport between all of our different team members and trust, but also allow us to be able to really close the chapter on one year of the business and open up another chapter in the business,” he explains.

There are two reasons why they don’t do it more often: cost and efficiency. It’s expensive to get everyone in the same place, and it takes much longer to disseminate information in real time, rather than via a prepared document. Plus, with written information, you know that every recipient gets exactly the same message, and people can refer to it as often as they like.

Martin’s hierarchy of communication continues with voice and video calls, instant messaging, and finally email, as the foundation holding up the pyramid.

Be in Tune if Not in Synch

But however you communicate in asynchronous teams, perhaps what matters most is the attitude of team members.

I once worked with a graphic designer whose location changed from week to week. Over the course of one project, he moved from Spain to Mexico to Colombia.

The time zone changed, but his efficiency and excellent communication didn’t. The project ran smoothly, with great results. But I know that if he’d dropped the ball, even for one day, I would have railed against his digital nomad lifestyle!

Liam Martin’s model of remote asynchronous work relies on every member of the team being a hardworking self-starter, who will always read attachments to emails, no matter how long and dense they look, and will never feel sub-par or distracted or lonely.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that working in isolation doesn’t suit everyone. So I can understand why managers continue with the synchronous model, despite the allure of its opposite. It may be slower and more costly, but it fits how humans behave. And while it’s still humans doing much of the work, that makes a lot of sense.

Listen to the Full Story

You can listen to or read my full 30-minute interview with Liam Martin if you're a Mind Tools Club member or if your employer is a Mind Tools for Business licensee.

Martin and Rawson's book carries a prominent endorsement by Cal Newport, another expert we've already featured on Mind Tools. Search his name at the top of this page, and you'll find our in-depth review of his book "Deep Work" and our exclusive Expert Interview with him.

If you're not already a member, join the Mind Tools Club now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ Expert Interviews. Or find out more about Mind Tools for whole organizations, big or small, by contacting our enterprise team.

Meanwhile, catch more excerpts and insights from my guests by searching our Expert Interview blog topic and by signing up free to the Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast.

The post "If you trust your employees..." Liam Martin on Asynchronous Work appeared first on Mind Tools.

Only the other day I was on a busy train, with very few spare seats. One couple had a surprising amount of space, occupying a table for four, with their bags spread around them. I watched as passenger after passenger walked past that table, their eyes flicking away, rather than asking the pair to move their things.

And, this time, I wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that the man had dwarfism. Could this really be why no one sat with them?

Disability in an Ableist World

Some ableism is systemic, like a lack of accessible infrastructure in schools, offices and transportation hubs. It can also be internalized.

We may talk over a neurodivergent colleague, mistaking a pause for the end of her point. Or avoid someone who looks different on a train, as I witnessed.

According to Ladau, this is about our perception of disability and disabled people – sometimes as superhuman, more commonly as subhuman. But we can change that.

Here’s what she told me, in our interview. (You can stream the audio clip below or download a transcript here.)

To explore these ideas, I’d recommend reading Emily Ladau’s book, "Demystifying Disability: What to Know, What to Say, and How to be an Ally." It’s a clear, nonjudgmental guide to helping make the world a more accessible and inclusive place.

The idea of "allyship" is central to this goal, but what does that really mean?

How (Not) to Be a Disability Ally

"We can very easily fall into the trap of looking at it as a title that we give ourselves," Ladau notes. "But… it’s really about taking meaningful action."

In fact, she suggests that we think of the word "ally" as a verb, not a noun, because it’s about doing things, not just talking about it. We should actively educate ourselves, with an open mind, and learn about experiences beyond our own.

Part of that is recognizing that every disabled person is an individual, with a host of different characteristics and support needs. Or, in Ladau’s words, "If you’ve met one disabled person, you’ve met one disabled person."

It's Not About You

If we don’t focus on the individual, we can make all sorts of wrong assumptions that can end up causing problems. We might think we’re being an ally by steering a blind person across a road, or pushing someone’s wheelchair up a slope. But if we’d just asked that person, we might have discovered they didn’t want that. And they may have needed something else. 

So the action allies take must be collaborative, not well-meaning gestures they impose on a person or group. As Ladau points out, doing something for disabled people and working with them are two very different things.  

"In one, you are essentially erasing the very person who you’re claiming to advocate for, whereas when you’re doing things side by side, what you’re doing is you’re amplifying the perspective of the person who you’re trying to be an ally to. And I think it’s essential to recognize that difference."

It’s a mindset shift that can only happen through open conversation. 

Disability Inclusion or Exclusion?

As someone who "navigates the world on wheels," as she puts it, Ladau has had a lifetime of dealing with ableism. I’m still thinking about a particular example from her book – it encapsulates a lot of the issues she’s working to change...

When Ladau was at college, a resident assistant in her dorm was running a disability awareness event. Did this person invite Ladau along to talk with participants about her life on wheels? No. Instead, they asked to borrow Ladau’s wheelchair, so that participants could use it to go around an obstacle course they’d set up in the lounge. 

What was Ladau supposed to do while her expensive mobility equipment – her only means of getting about – was being used like a toy? She declined the request, saddened by this missed opportunity to engage with and educate nondisabled people about her experiences, herself. 

“I remember feeling like less of a person in that moment,” Ladau writes.

Ableism makes people feel like that, as well as causing numerous practical and logistical problems for disabled people as they go about their day-to-day lives. Allies can help change that, person by person, moment by moment. 

Beyond the Infrastructure 

In the workplace, managers can be allies by “creating an environment where people feel safe and welcome to show up as their whole selves at work and to be open about their disability experiences... giving people the space to speak up for what they need to thrive.”

But Ladau concludes, "I want people to understand that allyship is very much a journey and not a destination. 

"You can listen to a podcast episode, you can read an article, you can watch a documentary, you can attend a webinar or have a conversation with a disabled person. But that doesn’t mean that you stop there.  

"My best advice is to keep learning, to keep going, to seek out new resources and new ways to learn and new ways to engage."

The Full Story

You can listen to my full 30-minute interview with Emily Ladau if you're a Mind Tools Club member, or a Mind Tools for Business licensee. You'll hear about her time on iconic children's TV show "Sesame Street" and how being disabled cuts across all other identities. As ever, the audio comes with a full transcript.

If you're not already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ Expert Interviews. Or find out more about Mind Tools for whole organizations, big or small, by contacting our enterprise team.

Meanwhile, catch more excerpts and insights from my guests by searching the Expert Interview blog topic and by signing up to the new Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast.

The post "I'm Not More or Less: I Just Am" – Emily Ladau on Disability appeared first on Mind Tools.

I didn't love studying to get 100 words per minute shorthand, but I loved everything else. Sure, the hours were long and irregular and involved working weekends, but when anyone asked me what I did, I could tell them I was a journalist. I was somebody, I was going somewhere.

Fast forward a few years, and I was a sports journalist and couldn't have been happier. Part of a three-man team producing three papers and multiple editions. It remains the hardest work of my life.

Then we got taken over and three was to become two. The sports editor was going to retire and not be replaced. So head office sent a shiny-suited executive to handle the negotiations.

When it became clear I wasn't ready to up my workload by half of someone else's work for virtually no pay raise, he decided swearing at me was the answer.

Swearing as an Attempt to Intimidate

I was too young to report the attempted, clearly inappropriate, intimidation to HR or to walk out of the meeting, as I would now. I never did the extra work, never got any extra money, and didn't stay much longer.

The reason I say all this is because a British judge, adjudicating an unfair dismissal case in January, ruled that the "F-bomb" is not as destructive as it once was. Oh, those shifting cultural sands!

Employment judge Andrew Gumbiti-Zimuto, who heard the case about an account manager who complained that her boss swore during a “tense” meeting, said such swear words have a "lack of significance." He added that phrases using the F-word are now "fairly commonplace and do not carry the shock value they might have done in another time."

The account manager won her claim for unfair dismissal but lost her claims of direct age, race and sex discrimination and victimization.

Swearing Can Relieve Stress

Now I've always been a swearer. In the pub, playing soccer, and, I admit, in the office. In fact, I’ve always loved swearing – it can be funny, relieve stress and get your point across.

Swearing is not necessarily bad per se, it’s about context and culture. As one U.K.-based HR manager told me, "It's an interesting one, and every workplace and person will be different. We don't have a policy on swearing, but it would all be wrapped up in conduct and the intention/perception of the words used in context.

"As a rule, I don't think you should swear. But there is something about 'knowing your audience' and colleagues. And possibly, once you've got to know people a little better, it may be acceptable to throw in the odd low-key swear, but probably not the f-word!"

"If the person on the other end of them perceives them to be threatening or inappropriate, then that isn't OK. That is when we would have a conduct issue.”

The issue of swearing at work and its impact has also attracted academic investigation. One such study in the Journal of Managerial Psychology interviewed 52 lawyers, medical doctors and business executives in the U.K., France and the U.S.A. to explore the use and misuse of swearing in the workplace.

The researchers found that:

• Swearing can be a great stress reliever. Nearly all respondents swore at work, mainly due to stress. Swearing over the phone or in written communications was off-limits, though, and most people wouldn't swear around religious colleagues.
• It can be a pressure valve. Swearing was likened to having a cigarette to relax after a difficult negotiation, while others said it provided cathartic relief.
• It can help you to make friends at work. While swearing around suppliers, clients or patients was seen as a no-no, sharing a few cuss words around colleagues increased the sense of belonging to a group. And, used in a humorous way, helped to develop friendships.

As for whether swearing by men or women is viewed differently, both were viewed equally dimly! A study in the Journal of Language and Social Psychology reported, "Speakers using profanity had poorer impression ratings on several variables, including overall impression, intelligence, and trustworthiness." The report continued, "there was no evidence to support the hypothesis that women using profanity have lower impression ratings than men who use profanity."

"Sticks and Stones" Adage Is Rubbish

What does the average team member think about swearing at work? A straw poll of my colleagues in the Mind Tools content team would suggest that swearing about a situation can be acceptable, but directing it at an individual crossed the line.

Managing editor Keith Jackson said, "Swearing can be an unequivocal shorthand for delivering my verdict on a particular situation and it can be an instant, stress-busting pressure valve. But there are degrees of swearing, from a ‘pardon my French’ slip of the tongue minor expletive to an unacceptable wallpaper-peeling stream of invective.

"I'd never, privately or in public, aim a swear word at a person at work, or at a particular piece of their work. That's unprofessional at best, and bullying and abusive at worst – and I'd be the first to step in if I heard anyone else doing it."

Fellow managing editor Charlie Swift said, "I've always thought the sticks and stones saying is rubbish, words can be very harmful. The point about intention is important to me. That is, distinguishing between swearing being background comment and it being aimed at a person. The latter can be a form of violence. Think microaggressions – background, unthinking behavior and words that routinely do harm, chipping away at people's self-esteem, and sense of safety."

Writer Simon Bell added, "Judging what's 'appropriate' is difficult. There needs to be consensus in the group that it's OK to vent sometimes, and trust that people won't abuse the privilege by using swearing aggressively."

What's your take on swearing in the workplace? Do you do it? Are you offended by it? You may be interested in the following Mind Tools resources, related to this topic:

Five Ways to Deal With Rudeness in the Workplace
Bad Behavior at Work
Good Manners in the Office

About the Author:

Kevin began training as a journalist on his local newspaper in 1989. He went on to spend 17 years at The Sun newspaper as a sports journalist and travel writer, and his work has been published in The Daily Telegraph, The Times and The Sunday Times. He joined the Mind Tools content team in 2019 and is also a keen golfer, traveler and eater.

The post Swearing at Work 🤬: Is it Ever OK? appeared first on Mind Tools.

I frequently ask thought-provoking questions like these to get people really thinking in a way that they won't usually do by themselves.

Why don't they? Well, maybe because the process of being coached means that you have to "open up" and essentially be vulnerable. Which most of us – me included – are not comfortable doing naturally.

I often hear people compare coaching sessions to therapy and in many ways it is. As a nutrition coach, I know all too well how a discussion about unwanted habits and behaviors can open up waves of emotion very quickly. After all, these habits and behaviors stem from previous life experiences.

Let Your Coach Be Your Guide

So why do people seek out coaching? Well, they're looking for answers. However, as I said, good coaches don't necessarily have the answers.

Instead, they have the unique ability to guide people and get them thinking differently, to effectively find the answers themselves… the answers that they had all along.

And that's just it, true coaching isn't telling people where their next career step needs to be or how many calories are in an avocado… that's what Google is for!

A good analogy for this and something I often remind myself of is:

"A good coach is like a mountain guide. They can lead you up the right path, they know when to adjust the pace, and they can keep you motivated throughout the climb. But what they won't do is chuck you on their back and carry you up the mountain themselves."

Why I Started to Coach

For a number of years now I've been fortunate enough to be able to pursue my passion for coaching, specifically nutrition coaching. Almost 10 years ago, I found myself falling head over heels in love… with CrossFit.

But don't worry, I won't be talking about that today! My interest in how nutrition has a huge part to play in performance consumed me, I needed to know more.

From counting calories and experimenting with different diets, I found that people would come to me for advice, and you know what? It felt good. That warm fuzzy feeling you get when you help someone progress and get better is just second to none. And I wanted more.

Helping people with performance was great, but, for me, it was kind of a temporary fix. I wanted to help on an almost life-changing level. And soon I found myself asking what everyday people usually struggle with and how I can help them make bigger, long-lasting lifestyle changes.

The health and fitness industry is filled with endless agendas, false claims and expensive products. So I wanted to empower people with the knowledge, understanding and, more importantly, the self-belief to navigate that tsunami of misinformation.

The Power of Coaching

So we now know that instead of giving people the answers they need, the most impactful way of coaching is to ask the right questions.

That empowers people to find the answers that they were searching for, and the decision to change is theirs instead of someone else giving orders.

For example, giving someone direct advice would look like:

"You really need to stop eating three takeaways a week and binge drinking on weekends."

However, coaching someone would go something like:

"Do you feel your current habits are helping you reach your goals?"

Think about it, when someone tells you what to do what's your instant reaction? Likely to reject them immediately, with a side order of, "Don't tell me what to do." Especially if it comes across in a forceful way.

But a conversation can be subtly steered so that someone will come to a conclusion and make a decision themselves. And this is the ultimate catalyst for change.

5 Essential Qualities of a Great Coach

While everyone coaches slightly differently, I've found that there are a few essential qualities to being a successful coach. A great coach will:

• Ask questions… a lot of them.
• Connect with their client.
• Let the client set the tone.
• Know when to shut up!
• Identify the resistance to change.

I Like Your Style

While coaching principles remain the same, coaching styles can differ. And this all depends on who you're coaching. For example, you may be coaching someone who is confident and "shoots from the hip," and requires a more direct set of questions with a slightly firmer tone.

On the other hand, some will feel more vulnerable to the coaching process, and so you want to tread lightly with direct questioning and approach with more empathy.

With this in mind, it's important to truly understand someone and what they have going on in their lives. It's so vital that you connect with the individual. A good coach will even know how to adjust the pace or intensity, depending on how the person being coached is feeling that day.

Shut Up and Listen

So how do you know how and when to adjust your style? Easy… you shut up and listen. It sounds so straightforward, but the simple act of listening and "leaving the space open" allows the client to open up.

This is your opportunity to pay attention to what they're saying, especially at the start when they will be more scared of change and resistant to your efforts. Because seeking out and identifying this resistance to change is the key to moving in the right direction.

Do you have experience as a coach or being coached? What do you think makes a great coach? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!

About the Author:
Joe is an experienced Marketing professional and Nutrition Coach, with a drive to change people's habits and beliefs to help achieve life-changing health and fitness goals. He's also a husband and father with a passion for CrossFit and Olympic Lifting.

The post What Makes a Great Coach? – 5 Essential Qualities appeared first on Mind Tools.

Luckily we were all newbies in Virtual Reality (VR) – members of a Mind Tools working group charged with experimenting with digital headsets and online hangouts, to explore the possibilities for our business.

The first time I joined my teammates in a virtual meeting room, everything was going well – until I went to talk to Alice and accidentally walked through her. 

Then I noticed that our colleague Jason had somehow slipped below ground level, and only his head and shoulders were poking out. 

The mood that afternoon was fun and forgiving, as we got to grips with the sleek new equipment we’d been given. But, despite all our technical fumblings and first-time faux-pas, I think we were all quickly aware of the huge potential for our organization.  

It also got us talking about what we'd need to do to be ready for the coming revolution. Because VR is just the start: the metaverse is expanding!

But... are you ready to step inside? 

Meet the Metaverse 

As currently envisioned, the metaverse is an immersive virtual space for playing, shopping, buying, socializing, and working.

You'll often be represented there by an avatar – a digital character that may or may not look like the real you. You'll be able to interact via increasingly sensitive VR and Augmented Reality (AR) kits, as well as linking up through the flat screen of your laptop, tablet or phone. [1] 

Money, inevitably, is one of the metaverse's key drivers. Research suggests the potential for profits is huge – maybe $5 trillion by 2030. [2] But so, too, is the likely impact on our lives. Americans already expect to spend four hours in the metaverse every day within five years. And Bill Gates predicts that most work meetings will take place there within three. "We're approaching a threshold where the technology begins to truly replicate the experience of being together in the office," he says. [3] 

For Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, however, the word isn't "replicate," but "revolutionize." He’s described settling down in a local café, connecting your AR glasses to the Wi-Fi, and instantly having all your physical screens in front of you in virtual form – plus the ability to "teleport in" collaborators as required. [4]

That's just one example of how the metaverse could give people greater choice about where, when and how they work, while helping them do their jobs better – and enjoy them more. 

There are huge opportunities for businesses to operate within the metaverse, too – through new types of advertising and merchandizing. It will be both a communal space and a highly individualized world of personal and professional possibilities. 

Real Wins in the Metaverse… 

My Mind Tools colleagues and I have continued to experiment with the fledgling metaverse, and we've discovered some clear benefits for us there.  

For a start, we can connect with each other on a new level. As our Head of Learning Experience, Ross Garner, puts it, "Meeting in VR has been great for creating a feeling of 'togetherness.' After hours of video calls, it's a relief to be sharing the same space with colleagues, and you can truly focus on one another."

Learning experience designer Claire Gibson has seen it improve communication. She says: "Being able to turn your head and nod at people and smile, the audio and visual social cues that you get – the headsets are miles ahead."

Claire also sees "massive potential for skills development." After all, where better to practice emergency drills at power stations, for example? Our group discussed how a famous helicopter training course was shortened from 18 weeks to 10 after it incorporated simulations in VR. [5] 

At Mind Tools we love the metaverse's potential to enhance creativity. I've been in VR meetings where a futuristic setting has created an air of ambition and open-mindedness. I've seen colleagues display their ideas on virtual boards – which others have added to in clever and memorable ways. 

And these are just simple meetings: imagine how an engineering company, a design agency, or a medical team could make the most of the metaverse. As Alice says, "Having this creative freedom will really inspire innovation." 

… and Causes for Concern 

However, our experience also flagged up some potential problems.

We all had issues with the technology in one way or another – trying to work out which password to use for which platform or app, for example, or struggling with our headsets and hand-held controllers. "I didn't find any of it intuitive," Alice says, "so I found it hard to navigate the dashboard. I felt simultaneously underwhelmed and overwhelmed."

Companies keen to get started with VR will need to support their people through these difficulties, and be aware that spending time in the metaverse may not be easy – or even possible – for everyone. Jason found it made him feel nauseous. And I always ended a session feeling exhausted by the intensity of the experience. 

Ross discovered that not all communication feels right in VR. "More sensitive conversations don't feel appropriate for discussion between digital avatars!" That's a good point for managers to consider before scheduling all their one-on-ones in the virtual world!  

And what happens if people behave inappropriately in the metaverse? How will organizations – and, in extreme cases, the law – address that? The two-dimensional internet can be toxic and harmful enough, so how will we keep ourselves and others safe in immersive 3D? 

We discussed all these points, and more, in the Mind Tools L&D Podcast: Live From the Metaverse. 

5 Tips for Navigating the Metaverse 

Based on our own experiments, and advice from experts, here are five tips from Mind Tools for making your way into the metaverse. 

1. Try It  

VR technology won’t break the bank, and many platforms and apps are cheap or even free. Your people will likely be excited to try them out, so tap into that enthusiasm now.  

Allow plenty of time for them to experiment, as the equipment can take some getting used to. And be ready for some to say that it isn't for them!  

2. Play Games

Games like Fortnite, Decentraland and Second Life are probably the best current examples of what the metaverse could become: vast, immersive online spaces where people gather to communicate and collaborate.  

And VR games are great for mastering the basic hardware, and learning how to move around and manipulate things. We found they boosted our understanding of VR all around, as well as our confidence to use it for work. 

3. Consider Your Customers  

As soon as the Mind Tools working group entered the virtual world, we were talking about how to help our customers and clients to benefit from it. What about your business? Will the metaverse let you engage with your market in new ways? Advertise better? Sell differently? Make new partnerships?  

The sooner you spot your unique opportunities, the sooner you can seize them.  

4. Think About Behavior

As learning experience designer Claire Gibson says, working in VR involves "… trying to learn another set of interpersonal norms." What's the impact of how you enter or leave a virtual room, for example? How should you design your avatar? What are the "rules" for interacting with others in a shared 3D space?

Discuss these and other pertinent questions early on. And consider agreeing on some behavior guidelines or even company rules before you start using it.  

Metaverse expert Matthew Ball has warned of the potential for "… abuse, harassment, radicalization, and misinformation in 3D digital spaces." [6] 

And our own Alice Gledhill gave up on testing VR because of one very unsettling experience. "A stranger tried flirting with me in a virtual space, and started following my avatar around! Creepy! And there's no real way to police that behavior yet because it's not in a real, physical space."

So start talking about behavior in the metaverse from the outset – and keep talking about it. 

5. Be Strategic

We soon discovered that VR can become a distraction (if you let it). So, once the initial excitement is over and you've found your feet, work out what you want to do with the tech.  

At Mind Tools, we've focused on using it to connect and collaborate. Our Learning Experience team now has regular metaverse meetings, and even holds some of their one-on-ones there.

Other companies will need to focus on getting their advertising into the best places or adapting their services for people to use virtually.  

So set a strategy that's right for you – but be prepared to change it, as the metaverse takes shape, and as we learn more about the possibilities and pitfalls involved.

How is your organization getting ready for the metaverse? Have you tried VR yet? And, if so, what did your people make of it? What more can businesses do to prepare for this brave new world? Please share your thoughts with us in the Comments section, below. 

References 

[1] Ball, M. (2020). The Metaverse: What It Is, Where to Find it, and Who Will Build It [online.] Available here. [Accessed August 16, 2022.]

[2] McKinsey and Company (2022). Value Creation in the Metaverse [online]. Available here. [Accessed August 16, 2022.]

[3] Gates, B. (2021). Reasons for Optimism After a Difficult Year [online]. Available here. [Accessed August 16, 2022.]

[4] Newton, C. (2021). Mark in the Metaverse [online]. Available here. [Accessed August 16, 2022.]

[5] McKinsey Digital (2022). Innovative and Practical Applications of the Metaverse [online]. Available here. [Accessed August 16, 2022.]

[6] McKinsey Digital (2022). The Promise and Peril of the Metaverse [online]. Available here. [Accessed August 16, 2022.]

© Original artwork from Anna Montgomery.

The post Is Your Organization Ready for the Metaverse? appeared first on Mind Tools.

My friend Amy had just finished her talk for her final year thesis, which was supposed to count toward our final grade. The audience was transfixed, focused on her every word. Her visuals were stunning, she spoke confidently, and she didn't even need her notes. To cap it all, she handled the Q&A session with calm assurance.

My awe quickly disintegrated into anxiety as I heard those dreaded words, "Who's up next? Ah, Lucy. It's you."

I should have felt confident. It was my moment in the sun, right? I'd done my research, put in the prep work, and I'd spent the whole of the previous evening rehearsing in front of a group of friends.

But I didn't feel confident. Instead, I felt my cheeks turn red and I bumped into a table on my way up. All I could think about was the audience's eyes burning into me. The notes I'd so carefully prepared now seemed a bit basic, and nowhere near as intelligent as I thought they had the day before.

I did a quick calculation of my distance from the door. Perhaps I could just make a run for it? Maybe I could feign sickness?

"No, no," I told myself, "Stop being silly and get on with it!"

So, I took a deep breath and pulled myself together and, well, I got on with it!

In the end, it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I was proud that I had resisted the urge to flee. But I still breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was all over.

The truth is, even the thought of public speaking fills me with fear. It has done since well before my postgraduate presentation, and that fear still lingers today.

At least I can console myself with the knowledge that I'm not the only one to get presentation nerves. As Jerry Seinfeld once joked (in all seriousness), "Surveys show that the number one fear of Americans is public speaking. Number two is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

Check out our brand new video with Mind Tools' Content Editor/Writer, Jonathan Hancock, who shares his handy hints for putting on a great presentation – in spite of any nerves:

We were interested in finding out how you manage presentation nerves, and we put the shoutout on our social media channels: "How do you deal with presentation nerves?"

Do Your Presentation Prep Work

Preparation featured in a lot of the responses that we got. As Facebook friend Greg Schmierer succinctly suggests, "Practice, practice, practice."

But what should your practice and prep work entail? Facebook follower Chetan Agarwal recommends that it go beyond just slide design, saying, "A lot of people confuse preparation with creating slides, but it is more about your script, intonations, anticipating probable questions and drafting your answers, your important notes, flash cards, if necessary, etc. Slides or deck is just the first primary preparation."

Instagram follower dmbarch offers similar advice. He says, "I try to prepare the best I can. i.e: write down the things I am planning to say. That way, when nerves hit, I know where to go and retake control."

Another of our Facebook friends, Deepa Hemant Krishnan, also highlights the important of seeking feedback during preparation time. She advises, "Do a mock presentation to somebody who can be a good representation of the expected audience and seek feedback."

Just Breathe!

One tip that came up time and time again, was using stress management and deep breathing to keep presentation nerves at bay.

LinkedIn follower Renee Chamberlin suggests, "Take three long, slow, deep breaths and at the same time, wiggle your toes. This helps calm you and brings you back from your anxious mind into your body." Greg Schmierer follows a similar routine. He says, "Just before the presentation, I close my eyes, take three deep breaths, and visualize [the] success of my presentation."

Engage Your Audience

Hooking in the audience with a joke, anecdote or story early on can also help you to lighten the mood, and is a great way of getting your audience engaged.

As Twitter follower Pauline Grant recommends, "Find an appropriate hook to connect with and engage your audience from the outset." Fellow Tweeter Jo Gallagher adds, "Breathe and be yourself! It's a conversation relaying information and an opportunity to engage the crowd [and], in doing so, learn something new."

Thank you to everyone who responded to our question, we appreciate the time and effort that you took to join in our discussion.

If you have any further tips or tricks on dealing with presentation nerves, please share them in the box, below!

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