But emotions have their place at work, much as many of us like to pretend that our jobs are all business. Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy have written two excellent books on the topic. "No Hard Feelings" describes the need and value of bringing your emotions to work in a balanced way, while "Big Feelings" discusses how to deal with the difficult feelings we all face at times.

Sometimes we're dealing with big feelings in our personal lives. We might need support. And acknowledging and addressing our emotional needs can help us to get our work done.

Feelings Too Big to Hide at Work

Last year, I struggled with my big feelings around major life transitions. I hadn't mentioned these personal events to any colleagues. Then I attended a team-building event where the whole company got together.

It started with an ice-breaker exercise and I found myself face-to-face with the head of the whole company. We had a question to discuss that looked innocent on the surface, but it also got a bit personal. As I started answering the question, I began to cry, right in front of him.

He didn't know the context for my breakdown, as it wasn't really contained in the question or my answer. But I'm grateful for his kind and even-handed response. It was a wake-up call for me that I needed support during this tough time. My feelings were too big to keep to myself – and too overwhelming to successfully fence off from my working life.

Finding Support

Ultimately, work is what helped me navigate these big feelings. I spoke to supportive colleagues about my life changes. I also attended a program called "Tea and Talk," offered by my company's Mental Health First Aid initiative. One colleague led these monthly sessions, facilitating laid-back discussions around a mental health topic while we all chatted over coffee or tea.

Sometimes we need to take time off to navigate big feelings. For me, it was the opposite – I found that my work provided a necessary distraction from getting too overwhelmed by emotions.

Having something useful to do helped me feel productive during a difficult time. And when I needed to take small breaks during the day to process emotions by doing things like taking a walk or grabbing a cup of tea, my flexible working schedule allowed me to take them.

Feeling and Connecting

Bringing my feelings to work, like I'm doing right now in this blog, helps me connect with others, whether it's through the content I write or my relationships with colleagues. I've realized that knowing how to handle my emotions in a healthy way makes me better at my job.

So, don't leave your big feelings behind when you start your workday. They won't stay there. Learn how to bring them gracefully into your professional life, and they'll enrich the work you do!

Listen to Our "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Melanie has worked as a writer, freelance and in-house editor, university writing instructor, and language teacher. She is the author of a short story collection, "Dream Signs," and a non-fiction book, "The Modern Enneagram." Melanie has written for several publications including Huffington Post, Cicada, and Contrary Magazine. And she is a certified teacher of the Enneagram, a personality typology that illuminates people's core motivations.

The post When Big Feelings Come to Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

"The gates of hell are locked from the inside."

Fake-aholics would recognize themselves in this quotation. They exist in a living nightmare made of their own choosing.

What Is a Fake-Aholic?

A fake-aholic is someone who has a compulsion to work hard, day in and day out, even when they're beyond exhausted. But they don't let on that they are worn out. Instead, they put on a brave front, and pretend that everything is fine.

On the outside, fake-aholics appear to have a high drive and to be highly involved in their work. To their colleagues, they seem as work enthusiasts, who show up calm and in control.

On the inside, however, there is a different reality. Fake-aholics experience low work enjoyment, even dread, because they’re constantly overwhelmed and stressed. It's a high act of pretence that no one notices because fake-aholics are so adept at acting as if everything is in order.

What makes matters worse is that no matter how bad they feel on the inside, fake-aholics are often in denial of their situations. What they fail to see is that continually pretending to be in control can lead to emotional misery, physical and emotional exhaustion, burnout and illness.

Why Are Fake-Aholics in Denial?

Ingrained Fake-Aholic Habits

Fake-aholics develop a habit of plastering a smile on their faces to hide their exhaustion. They can also appear impassive, to conceal the fact that they're in over their heads.

They're so used to this behavior that it becomes second nature. They can become so desensitized to these habits that they become their way of life. Living on the edge for a long time feels normal.

Inability to Envision Alternatives

In their hearts, some fake-aholics know that this is not the way they want to spend their professional lives, but they may feel that their situations are inescapable.

Consequently, fake-aholics fear that trying to make a change may only open an emotional portal with no viable results. They see no exit, so, why bother?

Layoff Survivor Guilt

Fake-aholics who keep their jobs in the present challenging economic times might experience layoff survivor guilt. They might, therefore, be ill at ease at the thought of complaining about the intensity of work schedules, for example, when others have lost their jobs.

The Comparison Trap

Some fake-aholics fall into the comparison trap. They compare themselves with other people in similar or worse situations who seem to be coping well. The comparison reinforces their fear of appearing weak and being "found out."

Four Solutions for Fake-Aholism

You don't have to be defenceless against the debilitating effects of fake-aholism. Consider these four simple strategies to help you:

1. Start an Accomplishment Diary

One emotion fake-aholics grapple with is the fear of being perceived as inadequate. My coach shared this piece of wisdom with me long ago. He said, "If you don't deal with the emotions, the emotions will deal with you."

That is, the inability to square off with our emotions doesn't make them go away. They stay inside, causing increased anxiety and intensified rumination. Research shows that inhibiting the expression of emotions can endanger our physical and psychological health and well-being.

One way of quieting the fear of appearing inadequate is to start an accomplishment diary. At the end of your workday ask yourself, "What did I achieve today?" Jot down your successes for the day, however big or small. Consider these examples:

There are many wins, big and small, that can go unnoticed in a day. Keeping score of these wins is hard data that can help you to appreciate all that you have accomplished.

2. Get Rid of Fake-Aholic Comparison

Confidence begins when you decide to be yourself. Comparing yourself to others can only lead to misery. Instead, measure yourself against who you were in the past. You can go back several years, several weeks, or just yesterday. Ask yourself, "Am I better today than I was yesterday? If not, what can I learn to do better tomorrow?"

Self-comparison is the most meaningful way to assess your growth and inspire you to continue to enhance yourself.

3. Establish a Support Network

You may feel shame at your "failure" to cope. So surround yourself with people you trust, who are supportive of you despite your "imperfections." These could be colleagues, family, or friends.

Don't be surprised if you discover that you're not alone: many people feel overwhelmed, especially in times of crisis, and don't own up to it, either.

Asking your colleagues for help may seem particularly daunting, but chances are they'd be happy to take the strain off you, and your working relationships could be stronger, not weaker, as a result.

Use social media to connect with groups that can offer guidance, and solutions you may not have considered. Talking to like-minded people is one of the best self-soothing activities.

4. Take a Break!

If you're struggling with workload, but still find it hard to say no to new tasks, your performance will eventually falter. You can't perform at your best when you're at your limits all the time. So, instead of trying to keep up with deadlines and present a façade of calm, combat your self-judgment and dare to face reality.

When you're feeling particularly anxious, step back and take time to regain control. Think about what factors are causing you to feel overwhelmed and focus on the parts you can control. Can you negotiate a deadline, or delegate some of your tasks to other team members?

By doing less, you can sometimes achieve more.

What Happens If You Have a Fake-Aholic Team Member?

There are many initiatives you can take to help a person cope with, and even overcome, fake-aholism. Here are a few to consider:

Help Them to Feel Safe

Compassion and understanding go a long way when a team member opens up to you, so make sure to listen mindfully and respectfully to what they have to say.

Then help them to understand that their fears are not unique, and that everyone struggles at one point or other in their lives. Consider sharing a personal story of your own that reinforces your point.

Look out for (Well-Meant) Dishonesty

Even if your employee has admitted to fake-aholic behaviors, they will likely continue to find it hard to be honest with themselves or you. But remember that this is likely through fear and shame, not malice.

Pay attention to their language and zero in on any unrealistically optimistic promises. Discuss their To-Do Lists and read between the lines. Observe their working patterns: what hours are they keeping, and are they sustainable?

Flag your concerns without blame or judgment. Instead, act as their defense lawyer. This is a kind and generous gift you can easily give.

Encourage the Heart

Show them that you have confidence in them, and that you are happy to have them on your team. Go over a portfolio of their achievements and contributions, and emphasize the value that they add to your organization.

Remember, we all have in us a metaphorical bucket that needs to be filled with affirmations. Helping a fake-aholic to appreciate themselves is one situation where genuine praise can go a long way.

Take a Load off Their Plate

Make sure that they don't have too much to do in too little time. Ask them what extra resources they need to help them to carry out their responsibilities.

Discuss reassigning one or two of their projects to another team member to ease their workload. But be ready for a denial that help is needed, and reassure them that there is no implied failure in such an intervention.

If you are a fake-aholic...

Take comfort in the knowledge that, while it may not be easy, overcoming fake-aholism is doable. You don't need to feel helpless. Acknowledge your situation and seek support. Most of all, focus on all the things that you get right and practice self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is a gift we give to ourselves. It's the gift of self-trust.

Bruna Martinuzzi is an experienced coach, presenter and trainer living in Canada. She's the author of "The Leader as Mensch," excerpts of which are available to read in the Mind Tools toolkit. She's also the author of several Mind Tools blogs.

The post Are You a Fake-Aholic? appeared first on Mind Tools.

My mind goes into a tailspin. It feels as if a vortex of apocalyptic thoughts rips through my brain – I visualize the debris of my life hurtling toward a black hole and disappearing. A computer malfunction isn't something I can absorb right now.

Then I see it: a cable dangling from the screen. Wait... what?

It looks like the cable that should be plugged into my laptop to connect it to the screen. Indeed, it is. When I look to my left, I see my laptop – not in its usual place, but where I left it after I rushed in from a meeting.

With a sigh of relief, I return my laptop to its place, plug in the screen, click the mouse – and wouldn't you know it, everything's working just fine! Then I realize: the overwhelm is real, and I need to rescue myself from it. Now.

Accepting Overwhelm

When I was younger, I felt that, as a woman, it was expected of me to be superhuman and do work, do life, do wife, do parent, and do community without breaking a sweat – and all while getting eight hours of sleep and looking as calm as a millpond. I found it hard and shameful to even utter the words, "I feel overwhelmed."

Sometimes it still takes me longer than it should to know when I'm getting overwhelmed, but at least now I do recognize it. When I experience forgetfulness, have difficulty concentrating, am being scatterbrained, or have racing thoughts and can't sleep, I know that I'm toeing the overwhelmed line.

Experience is a wonderful teacher if you learn from it – otherwise, it's more like torture. An important thing that it's taught me is not to fall for temporary quick fixes like denial and procrastination. That's just kicking the can down the road.

Recovering Yourself

Being overwhelmed has taught me several things and enabled me to grow, too.

One of the gifts of realizing that I'm overwhelmed is that it helps me to reorder my priorities. Everything can't possibly be equally important, so I list what needs to be done today, and what can wait until tomorrow, or even next week or next month.

I've also rediscovered the miracle of delegation thanks to overwhelm. By delegating tasks to the people around me, hiring in extra help, and holding everyone accountable to keep their part of the machinery running, I give myself the precious gifts of time and mental bandwidth.

Taking responsibility for other people's issues and insecurities can add an immense load to my already full life. However, they need to cope with what they feel, what they've done, and how it impacts their lives – it's not my responsibility, and I don't need to compensate for it. (Please note, this does not mean that I don't feel empathy or won't help. It just means that I make a distinction between what is and isn't my responsibility, to look after my own well-being.)

Usually, when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I know it's time to re-evaluate my expectations of myself. What's realistically achievable, when I take my time, energy and obligations into consideration? If I discover any unrealistic expectations, I examine what informed them, and how I need to adjust my thinking.

It might sound like hard emotional labor to do all of this but it's worth it. The gifts of time, space to think, peace of mind, contentment in my heart, and knowing that I live with integrity are worth the work.

"I cannot do all the good that the world needs.
But the world needs all the good I can do."

– Jana Stanfield, musician

Rescuing Others

Helping others is a good thing to do – it makes us kind and caring human beings. At times, we might even feel that it's our "duty" to "make" someone else happy. But can we really "rescue" someone at all?

With my education in professional therapy, I tend to steer clear of the word "rescue" when I'm referring to helping other people (except in the literal sense, like when someone is rescued from drowning, for instance).

Just as some people thrive on being rescuers, others thrive on being rescued. And "rescuing" them isn't necessarily doing them any good – it might be enabling the behavior that caused the need to be "rescued" in the first place.

Instead of rescuing someone else, it's more productive to be supportive and caring, while not minimizing their agency or being patronizing. (And even while supporting another person, it's important to keep your own needs in mind too.)

I've also learned to do the following: instead of asking, "Can I help you?" or, "How can I help you?" I'll ask, "What can I do for you right now?" And, "Is there something you'd like me to take care of later?" Using different words makes the questions sound more pragmatic/hands-on than just token offerings of help. A more specific question might, in turn, encourage the other person to express a specific need.

Rescue and Recovery – Caring for Yourself and Others

In our latest #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed what rescue and recovery mean, where to draw the line between caring for yourself and being selfish, and how to support others.

Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. "You cannot serve from an empty vessel." What does this Eleanor Brown quote mean to you?

@Midgie_MT It means that if I am running on empty myself, I have very little to give to others both in terms of quantity and quality of what I do.

@SarahH_MT That's a great quote. It reminds me that I can't be there to help and support others if I have nothing left to give myself.

Q2. What happens to you when you do not take the time to recover?

@DrKashmirM Not happy at home and not happy at the workplace.

@J_Stephens_CPA People think I'm irritated with them about something when instead I'm just tired and/or frustrated with myself. Extroverted introverts can't successfully extrovert if they are drained.

Q3. How do you unplug during recovery times? Does it help? Does it work?

@MarkC_Avgi Because most of the stress on my being has always been on my mind, I found unwinding with physical activities like gardening or yard-work. These activities took my mind off all the things that were weighing heavily.

@SoniaH_MT While recovering, I unplug by resting, sleeping, playing mobile games, catching tv re-runs, and not replying to social media. It helps and works for me because my mind can relax.

Q4. What's the difference between self-care and selfishness?

@virtudeskcom Selfishness itself means you don't think of other people. Unlike self-care, [where] you think and take care of yourself for the good of many.

@Yolande_MT To me, self-care is also me being radically honest with me. If I leave others in the lurch because of my poor planning/procrastination and then say "I'm doing the best I can," I'm being selfish – and that INCREASES my mental and emotional load.

Q5. How do you know that you've recovered sufficiently to function well?

@pavelStepanov77 If you feel happy, relaxed, and ready to go again.

@MikeB_MT Am I able to focus? Am I practicing patience? Is kindness my first reflex? These are three signs that I'm operating on recharged capacity.

Q6. Is there such a thing as too much recovery time for a person?

@lg217 There can be if too much if recovery time turns into not doing anything and staying home constantly and being lazy. Being lazy is a prime example of too much recovery time.

@Yolande_MT I've found that people who take too long to recover are sometimes too focused on what's wrong, all their triggers, all the negatives. While you need to be aware of those, you need to balance them out with positives/what's going right.

Q7. What is the difference between giving someone a helping hand and rescuing them?

@J_Stephens_CPA Reach; throw; row; go! The lessons of lifeguarding – you try other things before you put yourself in danger.

@MarkC_Avgi Giving someone a helping hand versus rescuing them is very much the timing of when you provide the assistance. Helping someone when they are struggling is different than helping them when they have hit "rock bottom."

Q8. How can you support someone without enabling their unhealthy behavior/choices?

@Midgie_MT By offering to help or support them in specific ways that are useful, beneficial or wanted by them. All the while having clear and firm boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not.

@Dwyka_Consult Don't take away their agency. Be there and be supportive, but allow them to make their own decisions.

Q9. Where do you draw the line with rescuing others? Why?

@HloniphileDlam7 The moment I sense being taken advantage of or a person becoming too dependent on me I head towards the exit.

@MikeB_MT I used to be a rescuer until I rescued myself from that behavior. I learned that when I try to rescue someone, we often both lose something vital. Now, I'm present, I listen, I encourage. I may share resources and ideas. But I don't rescue.

Q10. How will you take your caring for self and others to the next level?

@SoniaH_MT Next level? I have never considered how I would take my caring for self and others to the next level! For now, I'm focusing on the base level of self-care and changing bad/old habits.

@SarahH_MT Be even more mindful of my own needs – when to take a break, step away, ask for help. And for others, ensure they remain at the heart of my thinking, be generous with my time and attention in a kind and boundaried way.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

In the next #MTtalk blog, I'll be sharing some of my favorite tweets from 2021, as well as revealing our first chat topic for 2022.

Rescue and Recovery Resources

Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Hurry Sickness

Energizing Yourself

Supporting a Friend or Co-Worker Suffering From Stress

Managing Your Boundaries

Self-Sabotage

How to Learn From Your Mistakes

How to Avoid Generosity Burnout

Supporting Your People

Why Being a Generous Leader Can Make You a Great Leader

Working From Home

The post #MTtalk Roundup: Rescue and Recovery – Caring For Yourself and Others appeared first on Mind Tools.

Working Hours: What You Told Us

We recently asked our social media followers whether COVID-19 had affected their working hours, and we were shocked by some of the responses.

On Facebook, Olga Kosareva Polyviou said that, as a result of the pandemic, her hours "almost doubled." She told us that her colleagues' working patterns changed, and as a result she started receiving emails late in the evening and during weekends. Suddenly, her "... usual working hours from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. had shifted to from 9 a.m. to whatever time." And for her, this resulted in "... stress, tiredness, health issues… frustration and disappointment."

Olga isn't alone. In a poll we published on LinkedIn, 68 percent of respondents said they work longer hours now that they've moved to working from home. Only 9 percent said they work shorter hours.

The Dangers of Working Long Hours

Working longer hours isn't a phenomenon restricted to particular professions, demographics or locations. It's a global concern with dangerous consequences.

According to a new study by the World Health Organization, long working hours are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths each year. The study warns that "... working 55 or more hours per week is associated with an estimated 35 percent higher risk of a stroke and a 17 percent higher risk of dying from ischemic heart disease, compared to working 35-40 hours a week."

These figures are terrifying. And, since the pandemic has altered the way that many people work across the globe, all these numbers will likely keep rising.

For many businesses, COVID-19 has meant a move away from office-based jobs to employees working remotely from home. Many employers have scaled back their workforces to save money, which has put extra strain on those left behind. Add in homeschooling, caregiving for vulnerable friends or family, and juggling other distractions such as pets, and it's not surprising that many people are working longer hours than when they were in the office – potentially putting their health at serious risk.

But What About the Positives?

Of course, there are good things about working from home – not least the reduction in time spent commuting, and the opportunities for more "focus time." For me, like many, remote working has been the norm for over a year, and my work-life balance has changed positively as a result.

I left my previous job at the end of March 2020, just as the U.K. was going into its first lockdown. Back then, my typical week looked standard to anyone working in my profession of marketing. I would commute into the city, sit at my desk in a small office for eight hours a day (occasionally I would run to the local café to grab lunch, which I would eat at my desk), and then travel home to fit in a gym session and dinner before going to bed. Several times a month I would drive across the country for all-day team meetings and events, staying in hotels overnight. Doesn't sound too bad, does it?

When I started working at Mind Tools, remote working was already in place as a result of COVID. I vowed not to let bad habits creep into my new job, so I made sure that I took breaks from my screen – going for a walk along the seafront, or having lunch with my sister who was home on furlough. I knew the parameters of my working day and I stuck to them, making sure that any unfinished jobs became a priority the following day rather than working late to complete them.

Fast forward a year. As a result of listening to its employees, our company has now moved to a flexible-working policy, meaning that we can work "anytime, anywhere." I've read books like "The Four-Hour Work Week," by Timothy Ferriss, and James Clear's "Atomic Habits," so this announcement was music to my ears!

Initially, I flexed my hours by taking a bit of extra time at lunchtime to go for a longer run – allowing me to make the most of daylight, rather than running in the dark after work.

More recently, however, I pushed flexible working somewhat further.

Real Remote Working!

My friend had recently relocated to Devon, and the opportunity for a visit arose when a space became available in another visiting friend's car. After agreeing my plans with my manager, I spent a week surfing, cycling, and eating out – all organized around my regular workload. I still worked my contracted hours, and I was considerate of my colleagues' timetables. But real remote working did wonders for my productivity!

I completed my work early in the morning, before regular meetings took hold of my day. I spent the middle of the day "playing outdoors," before checking in on work for a few hours in the evening. Each time I returned to my laptop I felt energized, focused, and ready to complete all the tasks on my To-Do List.

How to Avoid Working Longer Hours

Since working from home, I've learned that boundaries and self-discipline are so important. And that's even more true with flexible working. Being honest – with yourself as well as your colleagues – about the hours you're working helps you to manage your time. It also allows leaders to step in when you're overworking (or underworking).

One manager who has been doing just that is Diana Shields, who commented on Facebook that she has been challenging her team "... to make sure they take small breaks throughout the day," to ensure that they're not sitting at a desk for too long.

And in our Career Community Facebook group, Showkat Hussain added that, although he's found it hard to "... virtually manage the team and coordinate their activities," he's "... trying to play a key role to stop excessive workloads" – to protect his co-workers' well-being.

Work Smarter, Not Longer

One of the reasons why people work longer hours is to get more work done. This is especially true when a project deadline is looming. However, good productivity is key to getting everything done – and then getting away on time. If you can get organized, manage your time, take regular breaks, and improve your concentration and focus, there's no reason you can't thrive with a demanding work schedule.

Of course, not everyone can change their working hours – nor would everyone want to. But there are small things that you can do to reduce long hours in front of a computer.

In our Career Community Facebook group, Jeremy Stephens said that his hours haven't changed much due to remote working, but the way he spends his breaks has. He told us that, in place of "... another cup of coffee and small talk with a co-worker," he gives his wife a hug several times a day, and chats with her instead!

What's your experience of working from home during COVID? How have your working hours changed? What new habits have you adopted – to ensure that you're working more productively, rather than just more?

Please let us know your thoughts in the Comments section, below.

The post Is Working Long Hours at Home Killing You? appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Exhaustion is not a result of too much time spent on something, but of knowing that in its place, no time is spent on something else."

Joyce Rachelle, Filipino author

Emotional Exhaustion Is Also Physical

Does emotion really exist or is it just something we make up in our heads and use as an excuse when it suits us?

The first thing we need to understand about emotions is that they are real. They are not just thoughts that exist in our heads and imaginations.

Emotions are actual neurological events (fueled by neurochemicals) that occur in the brain and nervous system. Anything that affects the nervous system has an effect on every organ and cell in your body.

Think what happens when you receive bad news. Say, for example, that you've just found out that your partner is cheating on you, or that a loved one has been in a serious accident.

Upon hearing the news, you feel it in your body. You might hyperventilate, shiver (even though it's not cold), get flushed cheeks, experience stomach cramps, or have palpitations, a dry mouth, or a weird feeling of weakness in your legs.

The Life Cycle of Emotions

Any emotion has a life cycle – a beginning, a middle and an end. Just after an "activating event," negative or positive, you will start feeling an emotion. It's a chemical reaction, and it's involuntary.

As your mind races with various thoughts and scenarios, these emotions can intensify. Then, as you digest what has happened and start dealing with it in one way or another, they become less intense, and eventually dissipate completely. The time it takes will likely depend on the severity of the activating event.

But what happens if you get stuck in the middle (intense part) of the emotion, and can't seem to move forward?

Remove the Problem and Then...

Many people erroneously believe that if they remove the problem or stressor, the feelings and emotions it caused will also disappear.

Emotions don't quite work that way. Although the stressor might be gone, the emotion is still in your mind and body, and will remain there until you've processed it and worked through it from beginning to end.

When you experience different events and their accompanying emotions one on top of the other (or a very long stressful event such as a pandemic), it's easy to feel trapped. That's because you likely don't have enough emotional energy to process such compounded emotions.

You can also get stuck in your emotions because some of them – like grief, shame, rage and helplessness – are very difficult to work though.

All of these can make you vulnerable to emotional exhaustion.

Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout

Emotional exhaustion is usually one of the first warning signs of burnout – and it's the element of burnout that is most damaging to our long-term physical and emotional health.

In her 1982 book, "Burnout: The Cost of Caring," Christina Maslach highlights three components of burnout: emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a decreased sense of accomplishment.

Emotional exhaustion also occurs as a result of caring too much, for too long, and having no time or space to take care of yourself.

Women are especially prone to it because there is still the widespread belief or expectation that they are the primary caregivers, putting other people's needs before their own.

At some point, you become too empty to give, and depersonalization happens. You feel an emotional numbness and a decreased sense of empathy, caring and compassion.

Eventually, you hardly feel any sense of accomplishment, and as if nothing you do makes any difference.

The Reality of Emotional Exhaustion

I asked a few people to share what they experienced when they felt emotionally exhausted. I've changed their names, but not their experiences.

John said, "I stopped being curious about other people, which really shocked me. That meant I was reading people at face value and making all kinds of assumptions about them, sometimes the worst.

"I also stopped reaching out to help others – it didn't cross my mind they needed anything. Plus I didn't think I had anything to give anyway. For a while, I didn't care anyway! All in all, it's very isolating and alienating."

My friend Mary told me, "Everything I did seemed to take longer to complete. I was making simple grammatical mistakes when writing, and when I re-read things, I was shocked at the mistakes.

I Felt I Had Little Value

"I felt as if I had no energy or enthusiasm for anything in life, so I simply went through the motions with little enjoyment or joy. I became withdrawn, I self-isolated, and did not connect with others.

"I felt as if I had little of value, or interest, to say or contribute. Sometimes, it felt like just going out to see a friend for a coffee was too much effort – even when I knew it would have done me good."

My friend Brad blamed some of his emotional exhaustion on his workplace. He said that senior managers don't appreciate the human cost of working remotely in this stressful time. Where he works, people feel like only numbers matter.

Anne said, "The period following the breakup of my marriage was a tumultuous time. The split was sudden. I was in the midst of completing my Master's degree and still taking courses while I worked.

"My emotional state was raw. For the first few weeks, I was in a state of deep shock. Then, as time passed, I became numb to the pain. I buried myself in work to keep going.

"But as pressures mounted, the emotional stress grew to a point where I was having trouble thinking. I could barely read a paragraph. I grew distant from family and friends, and I became increasingly irritable at work.

"Sadly, I continued on this path for some time. There was no joy in anything I did. Successes didn't matter. I was just a shell until the inevitable happened – I hit the wall."

Reflect, Recover, Reset

Many common themes emerge from the real-life stories above. During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about emotional exhaustion. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. Why do we become emotionally exhausted?

@NeViNShCe1 Maybe we avoid saying no to persons we care about. And we forget that we ourselves are also a person we should care about?

@PdJen I think it's because we focus on too many things. We have too many plates spinning, partly because of the pressures of modern life and the pressure to achieve.

@_TomGReid Our brain chemicals get depleted and need time to recharge.

Q2. How do you feel when you are emotionally exhausted?

@ColfaxInsurance Drained, on the verge of tears, constantly frustrated, ready to snap at anyone. Like you're putting on a mask that you're fine when you're really not.

@LrnGrowAchieve Like a failure. Full of self-doubt. Less capable of making decisions. Afraid. Afraid of making wrong decisions. Stuck.

Q3. How do you react to things when you are feeling emotionally exhausted?

@SizweMoyo I'm dismissive and critical, if not distant and uninterested. My general mood just doesn't care for consequence.

@LeadershipBEST If I am emotionally exhausted, I may say no to things I normally enjoy, like spending time with friends.

Q4. Do we admit to emotional exhaustion as readily as to physical exhaustion? Why, or why not?

@PG_pmp We do not admit, reason we are afraid of being typecast as weak.

@Ganesh_Sabari Physical exhaustion is visible & logically derived. Emotional exhaustion is more subtle and chronic. The drive to remain positive keeps emotional exhaustion suppressed till it gets acute. The answer is 'No'.

Note: We had participants from all over the world. It was alarming to see that ALL our participants said that people don't admit to emotional exhaustion because of stigma, fear of being seen as weak, or the risk of being labeled "not able to cope." This is serious food for thought!

Q5. How is emotional exhaustion different from burnout? Is it different?

@NikaPika_Chuuu Burnout encompasses fatigue as a whole, I think, and we're less likely to relate it to emotional exhaustion when we hear the term. I think a burnout is more of an umbrella term, but we're more likely to associate it with physical tiredness.

@MarkC_Avgi IMO & from my own experience, emotional exhaustion is a component of burnout, but not necessarily the sole component. Burnout & its symptoms is so much more than simply emotional exhaustion.

Q6. What sorts of things can you do to avoid becoming emotionally exhausted?

@J_Stephens_CPA 1) Take a break. Get up and move so you physically disconnect from the environment (need to work on this more). 2) Do those things that bring you joy too! (I'm reading lots more than before again.)

@NgukaOduor I started studying about emotions and gaining awareness on them. Also I picked up some mindfulness practice that helped me big time.

Q7. What actions might help you recover from emotional exhaustion?

@Yolande_MT Ditch the perfectionism, the all-or-nothing attitude, and poor self-care habits – from poor eating to excessive screen activity. Make space just to be.

@emapirciu Going to therapy, personal development, and learning to love yourself are ways to recover from emotional exhaustion.

Q8. What external factors make it difficult to overcome emotional exhaustion?

@MissMeryn Deadlines. Curveballs. Relationships. Illness. Layers of additional stress.

@MicheleDD_MT Lack of awareness and/or support at home or at work. Some workplaces choose to ignore the signs of emotional exhaustion.

Q9. What tell-tale signs can you look out for in others? How will you know that they might be emotionally exhausted?

@Midgie_MT Tell-tale signs include reactions that seem out of proportion with the situation, irritability, withdrawal, mistakes, manner of responding to things.

@aamir9769 Lack of concentration, less communication, nervousness, no confidence while speaking, seeking help, dependency, reluctance to ask for help, low morale, not opening up.

Q10. How can you best support a friend or colleague who is emotionally exhausted? How do you want to be supported?

@yehiadief At the least, I would make a point of understanding your reactions.

@letusthink2 You give them space and time. Allow them to take personal leave and regroup, ask if they would like to talk to a professional. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY DON'T JUDGE a person who is behaving and appearing different.

Note: A common theme that emerged here was that we need to be able to support others without judging. Because so many people mentioned it, could it be that we support people yet have a slightly judgmental attitude?

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here. And for further insights into emotional exhaustion, read our blog on Lockdown Burnout and How to Avoid It.

Coming Up

One of the factors that contribute to emotional exhaustion is not practicing self-care on a physical, mental or emotional level. The next #MTtalk chat in our "Reflect, Recover & Reset" series is about self-shaming. In our poll this week, we'd like to know which self-shaming phrase you most often say to yourself. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

To help you to prepare for the chat, we've compiled a list of resources for you to browse.

How to Avoid Generosity Burnout

Meditation for Stress Management

Recovering From Burnout

Burnout Self-Test

Dealing With Anxiety

Managing Your Boundaries

How to Relax After a Hard Day

Subjective Well-Being

Rest, Relaxation and Sleep

Energizing Yourself

Please note that these resources (and any other internal links on this page) will be available in their entirety only to Club members and corporate licensees.

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